Cocooning

I closed yesterday's post with the idea that little things in life matter most. First thing this morning I checked my email and received this message from Charity Focus:

There is hunger for ordinary bread, and there is hunger for love, for kindness, for thoughtfulness, and this is the great poverty that makes people suffer so much. --Mother Teresa

Good News of the Day:
To talk. To be listened to. To unwind. When you are a low-income woman with cancer, it is often the little things -- a caring touch, a steaming cup of herbal tea -- that can make a difference. The Charlotte Maxwell Clinic addresses an invisible problem -- the economic and emotional fallout that cancer can have on low-income women already underserved by the health care system.

The clinic -- a volunteer network over some 275 massage therapists, acupuncturists, social workers and homeopathy specialists in the Bay Area -- provides free alternative medicine treatments and other services to women for whom even a massage is an unthinkable, unaffordable luxury. Founded in 1989 with $4,000, the clinic, is named after Charlotte Maxwell, a social worker who died of ovarian cancer and believed that alternative therapies enhanced her final months.

This message has particular meaning for me because it ties together two things that are close to my heart: persons of low income, and cancer. My friend's husband is suffering with a rare form of cancer that has metastasized to his bones. I've been following their blogs, and it seems that God's love for them shows up in the little things; little things that come from the hands and heart of another person.

I've experienced something of the same: We are truly God's hands and feet. If we aren't reaching out with little acts of love, kindness, and thoughtfulness, as Mother Theresa said, then we are truly an impoverished people, all of us.

The whole idea has me brewing about an idea that I'll blog on soon. It's a way for communities (churches, small groups, mom's groups, play groups, etc) to begin sharing more needs with each other, and to respond to those needs more creatively and consistently over time.

For more on the amazing alternative medicine clinic described above, click here:
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9D0CEFDB1030F93BA25752C1A9649C8B63&sec=health&spon=&pagewanted=print

If you find it in your heart to pray for my friends, and follow their story, check out these blogs:
http://www.johnfawcett.blogspot.com/
http://www.margiefawcett.blogspot.com/

Perhaps it seems materialistic to put a picture of our "new" used car on the blog! And knowing it might look like we are boasting in ourselves, I almost didn't do it. But, given the many struggles, and questions, and personal obstacles I've shared here, it also didn't seem right to gloss over the good things that are happening. This car is a direct answer to prayer. I want God to have the praise and glory he deserves! We're so grateful for this timely, long-awaited for provision!

We finally bought a car! It's a black '99 Taurus station wagon. Massive miles on it, 210,00 (I wince even mentioning such a high number), but the engine runs smoothly. According to my mechanic-minded husband, there are no ticks or knocks or anything major to worry about.

At least for the time being. . .

Which is why I'm freaking out. I felt at peace with the process, and sensed God's hand in it. But, I also know that God's hand in something does not necessarily mean we're guaranteed a problem-free road. God is generous with spiritual assurance, but not necessarily wordly insurance. At least it seems that way to me. I'm trying to grow in trust, and our finances are still stretched way too thin, so maybe I'm "off" on this. Am I supposed to have faith that the transmission on this car won't die? Or faith that God will provide even if it does? I held my breath when we drove off the car lot, half expecting our new "buy" to sputter and stall within seconds -- you know, fork over tons of money and then "the jokes on you."

We were about $400 short when it came to taxes and title transfer, so we also have a balance to take care of within the next few months. I'll have to trust that tips from waitressing are good, and do my best to pick up extra shifts wherever possible.

I'm definitely feeling the squeeze. Christmas is right around the corner. And we still have these medical bills to pay.

Rich, on the other hand, feels relieved. His wife and kids finally have safe, mileage friendly transportation! And we found the car BEFORE school started. He feels good about the car's condition on the inside and out. He's been very reassuring. "It's exactly what we were hoping for, Cheri. A 'nice' beater".

I'm hoping his feelings are more reality-based than mine.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

Lord, may I experience YOUR kind of peace, a calm unprovoked by a turn in the tide.

It's exactly one week before school starts for the kids.

I'm hanging on by my teeth.

Today, three-year old Sean got into a set of markers and colored his arms and legs a solid blue, black, and green. Yesterday, he climbed into a sudsy bathtub with his brother -- fully clothed. The day before that my little monster managed to break Jennifer's bedroom lamp, and joyfully cracked her hamster cage in half (with the hamster still in it).

When Sean gets into her things (which is about every 5 minutes) Jennifer bellows, "Sean go to your room NEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOW" dragging out the "now" in the same way I must do. The other day I woke up to Sean's pitter-pattering feet, up and down the hallway, which can only mean trouble. I found him in his bed with a collection of everything he's not supposed to have: batteries from the television remote control, two pairs of scissors, and several bottles of Ibuprofin (Thank God they were empty. Rich explained later that he'd left them on the kitchen counter to be thrown away.)

We need a diversion, an adventure, or as one of my friends suggested -- I need a personal spa day! The appeal of riding bikes is long gone. When summer started, Jen and Ryker had enough spunk to ride all the way to Excelsior and back. Now I can't even get them to ride two blocks without complaining their legs hurt. It hasn't exactly been bike riding weather anyway-- the recent, much-needed rain has cooped us up inside our teensy, weensy, tiny, whiney house!

(And yes, I'm probably the one who has been whining most!)

Looking back on it all, Sean's fully-clothed swim in the bathtub was especially humorous. But instead of finding it funny, I freaked. Where's the handbook on surviving summer? Especially these last few weeks before school? I need one!

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. --Yiddish Proverb

For those of you who read the post "To Buy or Not to Buy," here's a little update:

After much thought and prayer about foregoing a second car for at least one more year, Rich and I decided that due to the deteriorating condition of our present car, we need to move forward with the option to buy. Having a second car will not only serve me and the kids while Rich is at work, but if "Big Red" (as the kids have affectionately named our Jeep) dies, then Rich will have back-up transportation.

I think whether one starts out with a little money, or a lot, car shopping is stressful! Saturday -- with about 1400-dollars of answered prayer in our pocket -- we set out to find a car lot in Crystal, MN. After calling on several cars in the Tribune and learning they had "just sold that morning" or passing on cars that were way out of our price range, we were following our first lead in two weeks that felt somewhat hopeful.

On the drive out, I was nervous. Prayerful. Please God, help us not to be impulsive with any purchase we might make. Please direct us to a car that down the line will not be a source of additional head and heartaches. Help us to see and hear you.

As we pulled up to the small 40-car lot, the blue mini-van came into view. Ugly. Boxy. Very little rust. But a possibility. As soon as we opened the door to check out the interior, though, I gagged. It stunk like a dead animal, the seats were torn in multiple places, and there were cigarette burns on the dash. Jennifer climbed into the back seat like it was a Lamborgini, "I love it!" she said with glee. "This is nice!"

"Nasty," I said. "Get out of there, Jen. It's dirty." Rich had to remind me that we were shooting for "beater" not "beautiful."

We checked out a few other cars at the back end of the lot. . . way back end. . .like we had to squeeze through a lot of dented cars to get to them. But the sales guy told us we were looking at cars that were completely inoperable.

So it wasn't long before we were lured to the cars up front, with more shine, polish, prestige. There was a gold-colored station wagon sitting in the middle of the lot that we kept circling, and circling.

"This would be real nice for you and the kids. . . REAL nice," Rich kept saying.

It was double the money we had in pocket. But, the option to finance was there. It's amazing to me that we even sat there and considered something outside of our price range, even if for only a few minutes. For both of us, the desire to own something "nice" was strong. Lord, what do you have for us?

Jennifer was still bopping around with glee, excited about every possibility. The eager-beaver sales guy was breathing down our necks. "What will it take to keep you here?" he asked.

With a final, firm statement, Rich sent him packing . "I already told you, we're not buying today, just looking." The guy hopped back into the store like he'd been stung by a bee. My spirit sank. Jennifer climbed back into our rusty old Jeep with tears in her eyes, snapping "Why do we have to drive cars anyway? They just pollute the earth." Rich was agitated.

It took some haggling on the way home to re-allign our expectations with reality. And it was decided: we'll definitely not visit any more car lots. "Beater" is the still the plan. Because "beater" is what we can afford.

But maybe there's a "nice" beater out there somewhere.

On the way home, puffy white clouds were sailing across the sky. Lawns from recent rains were greener than green. I breathed deeply, exhaling disappointment, and God seemed to whisper, "I have given you all this, my daughter. All the beauty of creation is yours."

I had this email on file, and recently re-discovered it. . . .how interesting that it ties into the same thoughts I wrote yesterday on "The Secret."

Releasing Your Specifications, Gary Zukav

When you depend entirely upon the ability of your personality to determine what is best for you, you may stand in the way of a richness that is waiting for you. How do you know what the Universe has waiting for you if you take off your restrictions? If you are determined to have your life unfold in a particular way, and none other -– if you have your heart set on using your creativity only to accumulate money, for example -- consider that you build your entire reality around that. The Universe cannot help you in the same way that it can if you are trusting of it, because it can neither overshadow nor penetrate your choice.

Yet what if what you are doing is more appropriately regarded in a social sphere rather than an economic one? In other words, what if the enterprise that you seek to develop is more appropriately a way to an avenue that you have not yet recognized? It is now deadlocked because it cannot go down its appropriate path, for you have your hand on a door that you insist upon opening that will go nowhere.

Can you see? Let go of what you think is just reward. Let go. Trust. Create. Be who you are. [...] Take your hands off the steering wheel. Be able to say to the Universe, 'Thy will be done,' and to know it within your intentions. Spend time in this thought. Consider what it means to say, 'Thy will be done,' and allow your life to go into the hands of the Universe completely. The final piece of reaching for authentic power is releasing your own to a higher form of wisdom. [...]

Try looking at life as a beautifully well organized dynamic. Trust the Universe. Trusting means that the circumstance that you are in is working toward your best and most appropriate end. There is no when to that. There is no if to that. It is. Release your specifications ...

--Gary Zukav, From "The Seat of the Soul"

(Sal, isn't this interesting in regards to our discussion about "God's will?")
And to all other friends out there. . . .do you have thoughts on how this quote relates to your life? I'd love to hear from you. . .

There's been a lot of hub-bub this year about Rhonda Byrne's new book, "The Secret." When Oprah endorsed the positive thinking philosophy on her show, catapulting the book into the hands of millions, I was sick. I worried that readers would mis-understand Byrne's ideas about "like" attracting "like," believing her message to mean "you can be rich, if you just visualize your way into a Ferrari, mansion, or celebrity marriage". It seems our obssession with getting ahead in life handicaps our ability to think beyond tangible riches.

Friends at work proved my worries true. After the Oprah show aired, there was a circle of women who showed up to work telling everyone it was their last day because they were going to win the Powerball that evening. One woman went to the extent of saying "goodbye" to all of us, and turning down plans to spend the weekend with friends because, "I'll be busy with media interviews." She was muscling faith, trying to believe that the Powerball was hers and that it was God's desire to give it. Not to me, or to anyone else, or to (paradoxically) the other "Secret" believers, but to her.

When she didn't win, she told everyone that the money would be hers "next" week, and--you guessed it--the next week, and the next, and the next. Almost six months later, she continues to hang on, looking for and believing all these signs that it's going to happen.

I think the most troubling thing for me is that she is a Christian, and "The Secret" is a twist on a biblical truth.

Jesus says, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you" (Matthew 17:20). Which can make one wonder why we're not ALL overcoming obstacles in our lives with earth-moving, self-satisfying, success-full results. Because a mustard seed is pretty small. Which makes one wonder if Byrne is right, and we just haven't focused our faith enough, or prayed the right prayers, or persevered with the positive thinking over enough time. And if this is true, maybe my friend is more faith-filled than most of us and she IS in fact a powerball winner. . . . just not today.

It's easy to get confused.

But today I read another woman's blog about this subject. And she said so eloquently what I've been struggling to articulate myself:

". . .I missed God's presence in the "The Secret," and the sense of humility a creator inspires in me. I wish and work for good things to appear in my life. But I'm not arrogant enough to believe I'm the sole architect of my good fortune."

I love that. . . "sole architect." She made me realize the fundamental question that in my mind sets the Bible apart from Byrne's book: Faith in what? If we have faith in ourselves, and an independent ability to direct our own course in life, then the whole "Secret" concept reeks of pride.

If we have faith in God as a co-creator in our lives, don't we need an ounce of humililty when it comes to the paths he might choose? We can pray and ask for the desires of our heart, and then work hard towards such ends. But there's a huge difference between believing difficult circumstances will all be "fixed" in the exact way we want, or believing all of our dreams will come true vs. believing God remains good, merciful and graceful in the midst of hard times. I believe everything works out for good in our lives, eventually, but that doesn't always equate living the American Dream.

When did Christians start to confuse the two? God's blessing and goodness = the American dream?

Proverbs 16:9 In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

Proverbs 3:5,6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Do not be wise in your own eyes, fear the Lord. . .

Lord, I confess that like my co-worker, in my own way I can be driven by a false sense of deprivation, striving to make my life's circumstances line up with culturally-driven dreams. Help me to trust YOU with my life, and to celebrate every good thing you choose to bring my way.

Here is a great quote that Rich found in a magazine and hung on our refrigerator. Words to live by:

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these." ---George Washington Carver

I caught a television show the other night on slums in Kenya, Africa. The desperation and despair of these children and families was overwhelmingly sad. Hard to watch. I think the last time that I allowed myself to watch one of these T.V. hunger specials in it's entirety was when I was in college. Now, nearly 20 years later, in light of all we've gone through as a family, I felt moved to take it all in. I sat on my couch, bawling, thinking about whether a measley $20 could make a difference. Of course we know in theory that every penny counts, but the thing that inspired me most was this:

The country of Taiwan has generously donated 11 million pounds of rice to Kenya's children. "Feed the Children" needs the monetary means to ship this gift across sea. I thought to myself, "If Taiwan can recognize a world-need and give so freely from their resources, why can't I share a bit from mine?" And then in all honesty I thought. . . "maybe this is just a marketing scheme to get me involved. "

How sad that I am distrusting.

But checking into this agency and reading about the leadership, their philosophy and so forth, helped. Plus, joining hands with others helps make the goal seem less out of reach. I'm sharing these needs on the blog with the hope that the circle of compassion will continue to grow and ripple outward. Won't you join me in feeding some hungry children? To watch a video and learn more, click here:

http://www.feedthechildren.org/site/PageServer?pagename=usw_video_kenyaslums


Let me know if you feel inspired to contribute! It'll be fun to see the ripple affects of God's generous spirit amongst us!

Money is only useful when it is moving and flowing, contributed and shared, directed and invested in that which is life affirming. --Lynne Twist

My daughter, Jennifer, had her 9th birthday party last Friday, and it was a blast! She had 8 girlfriends over to watch the Disney High School Musical 2 Premiere. Throwing parties for my kids is so much fun! Exhausting, but fun! When Jennifer wrote me a thank you card that said, "Thanks for making my party a huge success, Mom" my heart lit up with joy. Serving her on this special day was one of the highlights of my summer.

To see a video montage of her party, click here:

2 Corinthians 8:1-15

And now, brothers [and sisters], we want you to know about the GRACE that God has given the Macedonian churches. Out of the most severe trial, their OVERFLOWING JOY and their EXTREME POVERTY welled up in RICH GENEROSITY. For I testify that they gave as much as they were able, and even BEYOND their ability.

Entirely on their own, they urgently pleaded with us for the privilege of SHARING in this service to the saints. And they did not do as we expected, but they gave themselves first to the Lord and then to us in keeping with God's will. So we urged Titus, since he had earlier made a beginning to bring also to completion this ACT OF GRACE on your part.

But just as you excel in everything--in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in your love for us--SEE ALSO THAT YOU EXCEL IN THIS GRACE OF GIVING.

I am not commanding you, but I want to test the sincerity of your LOVE by comparing it with the earnestness of others. For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich.

And here is my advice about what is best for you in this matter: Last year you were the first not only to give but also to have the desire to do so. Now finish the work, so that your eager willingness to do it may be matched by your completion of it, according to your means. For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have. Our desire is not that others might be relieved while you are hard pressed, but that there might be EQUALITY.

At the present time your plenty will supply what they need, so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need. Then there will be equality, as it is written: "He who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little."

Here is a little something I received by email today. . . Of course the butterfly image drew me right in! And the message was exactly what I needed to hear:

Stretch, become more human, grow in Christ, know you are being transformed!

Growth Only Comes When You Transform, Tony Robbins

Ultimately, the only way to be fulfilled is to constantly grow and to contribute in a meaningful way to other people, to the world. And in order to grow, all of us have to be willing to let go of our fear and let go of who we are, and we've got to set standards and we've got to challenge ourselves. What makes people leaders in life is their willingness to say, 'Raise your standard. Demand more from yourself.' That's what all leaders of any sort do: They call people to a higher standard. I think that causes people to grow. [...]

Growth does not come from having an intellectual discussion with yourself. Growth only comes when you transform. And you must take that growth and convert that to something meaningful so that the world becomes better, so that the heaven on earth that we were talking about earlier actually becomes a possible reality -- and I think it ultimately will. It already is for many people. It's just a matter of making your peer group become humanity instead of your peer group being a small number of people that you have influence over or impact on in your lifetime. [...]

I think that anything we can do to more thoroughly understand how we function as human beings, what really drives us, and how we can utilize that understanding to be better human beings and better spiritual beings, is definitely a part of our evolution. And I think it has to happen rapidly because our technology is multiplying in its capacity and its strength and its diversity more rapidly than our technology for the management of human emotion, which is what drives all human action. And I think that's the part that has to be focused on. We need to develop the emotional and spiritual muscles to deal with whatever challenges show up.

--Tony Robbins, from an interview, "Excellence is not enough"

2 Corinthians 5:14-17
"For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, He is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

I had a dream last night, one of those dreams that is trying to tell me something:

I was sitting in the car of a moving train (which was more like a kiddie roller coaster ride, with simple, open, box-shaped carts) and we were heading towards a bridge. My family of origin was in the other cars of the train, although exact faces and personalities were a blur. The bridge we were approaching was old and it extended over a mucky pond-like lake. I was worried that the bridge would not be able to hold us. I looked at the big, round, pillared supports and thought, "maybe they'll hold because our weight is distributed amongst many different cars," but as soon as I thought the thought, my car turned down a different track.


I was shocked that I was flying down a track by myself, and that everyone else, including the cars that had been linked behind me were still continuing over the bridge. Somehow, my car had not been clasped to the other cars (even though it had seemed we were properly connected before I split off). I couldn't figure out how this had happened. I got out of my car and started walking into the lake to get across. Instantly, I was in quicksand up to my shoulders. I started to struggle, and my head went under the mud. Remembering the television show "Man vs. Wild" I relaxed so that I would have a chance of freeing myself. My head came up, and I started working the top half of my body out of the muck by relaxing and leaning parallel (as the t.v. show had said to do.)


I had a sense that my family was jumping around on the shore, concerned I was in the sand, but I knew there was nothing they could do. They couldn't come into the muck, and I was on my own. I remember being surprised that quicksand hurt. My ankles were throbbing with pain as I relaxed my legs and wrestled at the same time. It seemed that slowly I was working myself out of the muck, but the last thought I had before waking was how much it hurt.


When I woke up, I laid in bed for awhile, trying to sort through the images and listen to their deeper meanings. An obvious connection to my waking life is the recent, catastrophic collapse of the 35W bridge in Mpls. It's a terrible tragedy, and the most prominent thought I've had about the loss of lives and the horrible destruction is that it happened because not enough money was distributed to keep our roads and bridges safe. So in my dream, the fears of crossing the bridge might be related to lack of money, and the lack of trust that our weight and burdens as a family will be evenly distributed.


The fact that I found myself on a different track is a common theme in my dreams. It shows up in different images, but often I am on a separate, self-preserving path from my family members. It's always a point of distress to me, that I am alone and disconnected. In this dream, it is baffling to me how I wind up on a different path, and that even those behind me stay on the original course. It's not clear that I am responsible for the break between cars, but in my waking life I have to wonder if I am.


There are natural divisions or barriers between those who have money and those don't. It has been a source of inner conflict for me. I often wonder how to make bridges with those who seem so wealthy--on such a different track than me. It feels a bit like I'm a recovering alcoholic who can't escape the fact that the world is one big bar. Everwhere I turn, people are drinking to excess, and I can't relate. I can't "join in" with specific outings, or trips, or gatherings, because they cost money. The "diet" imagery is another way of looking at it. I'm the lone person who can't partake of the all-you-can-eat buffet that is on every corner. Everyone is eating, indulging, and nobody understands why I'm not. Or, maybe they understand why I'm not, but they, too, don't know how to create bridges. How to reach out. So, they stand back and watch me struggle in the quicksand, unable to help.

I know these are huge generalizations, but it's a dream and I think dreams highlight feelings more than fact. I'm sure there are layers and layers to these images that I will be unpacking for awhile, but I think the main point for now is this:

Bridges. Where are they? How do I travel them safely, connected to others in love, sharing burdens and cares?

Lord, I don't want to "split off." Please show me the way. . .

Rich and I have been praying and talking about whether to buy a second "beater" car. We've been a "one-car" family for over six years now, and I think we've surprised ourselves at how we've been able to make this arrangment work. For several years, Rich's place of employment was within walking distance of our home. And he had a buddy from work that was happy to carpool. So, I was able to drive our Jeep during the day. This was the "best" arrangement of the six years.

However, with Rich's recent job change, walking and carpooling to work are no longer options. His employer is 30 minutes north of Chanhassen, so he needs the Jeep. The kids and I have survived the summer by biking to local beaches or walking around town. (It's a blessing that we live only a couple blocks from Chanhassen's main drag). But now that school is starting up, and Ryker is starting first grade, we're re-evaluating our limitations and praying about possibilities.

I won't lie. During the months that I've had to do it, it's been a challenge for me to be at home without a car. This year, I'll be at home with 3-year old Sean. I do best with the kids when I don't feel so isolated from others, and trapped at home during cold weather. Being alone feeds my tendency towards depression. I need to stay connected and involved.

We've been praying for the resources to buy something super-duper cheap (like less than $1000) and then Rich realized that his old employer "owed" him money for 2 weeks of vacation that he was never able to take. The other day we received the check for $1000. It definitely felt like a provision, and Rich has been following leads he's found in the paper, online, and through word of mouth to find a car.

Then, today we went to church. The focus of the service was on a recent mission trip to El Salvador. The stories that were shared were so touching, and my heart swelled with the dream of taking a trip there myself someday to meet our brothers and sisters in Christ. And for some reason, I started thinking about how interconnected the people of the church were there. Their poverty leads them to depend on each other for needs to be met. They're helping each other. Giving. Receiving. Healing. Loving. Be-Friending. Dreaming. Reaching. Working side by side.

And I wondered if these gifts are the ones we miss when we rely solely on money to meet needs. For example: Maybe there are solutions to our transportation problem that exclude spending $1000, like asking a neighbor to drive my children to school if they are already driving their own. And asking a friend from biblestudy (one of my major life lines) to pick Sean and me up every Friday.

It's hard for me to depend on others. But, maybe this fear of being dependent, or "needy" or burdensome is--on a larger scale--the reason we (or anyone for that matter) spend money that could be better used in another way. Something breaks. . . .well, just go buy a new coffee maker, lawn mower, radio, blow dryer, or car right? The last option we think of is asking someone else for help, or letting our needs be known. Because there's a feeling of "power" in being able to provide for one's self. Is it pride? Society's definition of self-sufficiency as "success?" Are these the "rules" (take care of yourself first and depend on no one) that contribute to the serious problem of debt in America?

I'm not sure. But, it has me thinking, and Rich and I are talking things through again. Should we try to be more humble, creative, dependent on God and others? Are we supposed to buy a second car, or should we learn to reach out more? We're not sure. . . so we're back on our knees. I'll let you know what we decide. . . .

My friend Sally and her kids came to Minnesota for a rompous 36 hours this week! We hit the beach (probably the last time we'll go this summer--which was a bit sad) and played backyard baseball. . . Millers vs. Muellers. (Can you guess who won?) As usual Sally was loaded up with gifts for the gang. The kids each received bright-colored bags with rocket balloons, fingerprint-stamping fun, and punching balloons. My gift included butterfly paraphanalia, including notepads, magnets, and a t-shirt. I've never seen anything quite like this shirt. It has a monarch caterpillar on the front in the shape of a question mark; the "dot" of the question mark is a chrysallis; on the back of the shirt is a monarch butterfly in all it's glory. LOVE IT! Such a fun shirt, and so meaningful to me.

Sal and I stayed up way TOO LATE, both nights, trying to pack in the stories and questions and ponderings of our lives that are usually shared by phone.

One of our popular topics as of late has been on money and faith and culture. Crashed out on the couch after the kids went to bed, we shared crackers and cheese and a bottle of Riesling, as I blabbed on and on and on about how much Velvet Elvis (Rob Bell's book) has been such a lift, so stimulating. Insights into the culture of Jesus' time open my eyes and heart to the layers of truth found in scripture, and I am challenged in new ways.

For example. . . . I read Sally a section specifically on "culture." It talks about culture during the time when Jesus lived, died, and rose again. The world was ruled by the Roman Empire which was led by a succession of caesars. These caesars claimed they were sent by the gods to renew creation. Bell explains:

"Caesar Augustus believed that as the son of god, he was god incarnate on earth, the prince of peace who had come to restore all of creation. He inaugurated a twelve-day celebration called Advent to celebrate his birth. Sound familiar? His priests offered sacrifices and incense to rid people of their guilt. One of the popular slogans was 'There is no other name under heaven by which men can be saved than that of Caesar.' Another phrase they used often was 'Caesar is Lord.' Throughout the Roman Empire, the caesars called on people to worship them as the divine saviors of humankind, and a city that acknowledged Caesar as Lord was called an ekklesia." (p.162)

So, after Jesus' death and resurrection --when his followers began to expand, grow, multiply in this remote corner of the empire--and they adopted the slogan "Jesus is Lord," imagine the social and political implications! Bell continues, "These first Christians were subverting the entire order of the empire, claiming that there was a Lord, and he wasn't Caesar. And what did they call their gatherings? Ekklesias. A word that translates in English as "church". Another of their favorite slogans was 'There is not other name given under heaven by which we must be saved than that of Jesus.' Shocking. They took political propaganda from the empire and changed the words to make it about their Lord. To join up with these people was to risk your life. And not only this, but they made claims about the whole way society was structured."

Bell's help with some of this cultural background makes my heart feel like a butterfly ready to take flight. Especially because I've given so much thought lately to modern culture, money, comparing it to the community of followers described in Acts. The believers gathering after Christ's resurrection were not only "subverting the dominant power structures of their world" (p. 163) but they were living God's dream in practical, life-giving ways. Luke -- the biblical writer of Acts -- says "And God's grace was so powerfully at work in them all that there were no needy person among them." (Acts 4:34)

Isn't that amazing? "No needy persons among them."

Sally and I like to toss around questions like: "Why in modern times do we still have people who are starving?" "Are we a people addicted to money?" "What will it take for us to relinquish a false sense of security in our lives?" "Does everyone think they are struggling, or just making it--whether there is truth in it or not?" "What will it take for us not to worry about money as Jesus commands in Matthew 6:25?" "Is it right for us to be so obssessed with 'retirement' and our 'futures' when our own neighbors struggle to get through one day?"

I confess fears that my ideas and values are being forged in the fires of financial struggle (kind of like a sober alcoholic). Given a day when we can "drink" from the wells of "excess" again, will we do so without turning numb to world and it's need? Sally confesses her own fears related to money, and we talk about ways to be creative, generous, life-giving women of faith. In so many ways, including financially, we are so, so, so RICH. How can we bless others with the resources we've been given? How can we serve God in our lives, uncontrolled by money?

"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money." Matthew 6:24

As the Miller clan climbed back into their mini-van for a return trip to Illinois, Sally said, "Maybe for our next visit we can start a new Miller/Mueller tradition. . .serving at a soup kitchen, or helping someone in need." I love the idea. I'd also love to find ways of reaching out every day so that someday we, like the very first Christians, might have "no needy persons among" us.

Sarah McLachlan is one of my favorite singers/songwriters. Recently she starred in a music video that only cost her $15! In lieu of spending the normal $5000 on hair and makeup for the video shoot, or spending additional thousands on graphics and other production costs, she used the money to provide a year of schooling for 145 girls in Afghanistan (among several other worthy causes of her choosing.)

It's easy to point fingers at celebrities, thinking things like, "Look at the money they blow, like it's nothing: the gowns, the limos, the parties, the mansions, the jets. Why don't they do something about the AIDS epidemic, or poverty in America. Why is it up to me?" But haven't we ALL been blessed in one way or another? When we judge celebrities, aren't we just magnifying our own blind tendencies to spend in excess? Have you ever sat down with your budget (not the projected numbers, but the money you actually spend from month to month) and looked at where your money truely goes? It can be scary, but eye-opening.

Like Sarah McLachlan, so many of you are finding creative ways to cut corners. And you still come out "okay" in the end.

I'd love to incorporate more creative money-management ideas into my life so that I can be more strategic in giving to people in need. Please share your ideas with me! Where have you adjusted your budget to help someone else? How has it worked? What difference has it made in your life and the lives of others?

And while you're at it, check out Sara's video. It's not only amazing, but it features some of the alternate ways her money was spent. http://www.karmatube.org/videos.php?id=25 Very inspiring!

Last winter I was studying John 14 as part of my biblestudy's group homework. I found the passage hard to absorb, appreciate, assimilate into my life. So, I tried to process what Jesus was saying by re-writing it line by line in the form of a letter.

Then, I tucked it away in my notebook. Today, almost six months later, I found it. And it was exactly what I needed to hear. Funny how that works, huh?

I took minor liberties with the language, but I believe the message is in tact, true. Have you been needing a love letter from Jesus? May his words wash over you with healing and grace. . .


A letter from Jesus based on John 14: 15-26

Dear Child of Mine,

I know there are days when you wish I could be physically present with you to whisper words of comfort, hold your hand, or simply show you my love through a smile. I am writing now to help you understand why I had to go.

When I left this earth to return to the Father, I did it so that I could give you an even greater gift: a perfect companion -- the Holy Spirit. I gave her to you so that the Father and I can make a forever home with you. Through Spirit, the Father and I live inside of you. And because we live inside of you, you'll never have to live outside of Love.

Dear one, when you are feeling abandoned and afraid, remember that I'd never leave you as an orphan. You and I and the Father are deeply connected. Even though it feels like we are hidden, we are always showing ourselves to you. Look for Father in the details of you day. See him in the lives of those who follow me. Listen to Spirit who resides in your deepest parts. She'll remind you of everything I have taught you about truth, hope, and most of all. . .LOVE.

Don't be afraid, my child. Whatever happens in this world, don't let it trouble your heart. I'm always with you, and I'm always giving you my peace.

Don't you see? Not only am I in you, but you are in me. Which means that when I returned to the Father, I carried your life to someone greater than me. Since we are together in the Father now, amazing things can happen -- even more than if I'd remained as flesh and blood. Loved one, please believe what I'm saying: by taking my rightful place with the Father, you'll be able to do and see and experience even greater things than when I walked the earth with you. Trust me. Ask anything in my name, and I will do it!

Yours always and forever,

Jesus

P.S. These words are not my own. They were given to me by the Father who loves you as I do! He wanted you to know that you're never alone.

"For many of us, we understand peace to be the absence of conflict. We talk about peace in the home or the world or giving peace a chance. But the Hebraic understanding of Shalom is far more than just the absence of conflict. Shalom is the presence of the goodness of God. It's the presence of wholeness, completeness. . .

"For Jesus, being saved or reconciled to God involves far more than just the saving of your physical body or your soul. . .it involves all of you.

"God's desire is for us to live in harmony with him--body, soul, spirit, mind, emotions -- every inch of our being."

(Velvet Elvis, Rob Bell, page 107)

I've been reading Velvet Elvis this week and thought I'd share the above tidbit. The whole book is loaded with personal "aha" moments, and mind-tingling insights into the word of God and life as a Christian. It's a timely read. This book feels like a God-given stone to help mark my path, to find a way out of this circular wilderness I've been walking.

I have such a hunger for wholeness. . . peace. I'm finally letting go of my perceived need for an external "fix," and I'm willing to deal with my anger, envy, and need to control. I'm not sure what happened, but I feel released in some way. Not "cured" from my inner-yuck -- I'm sure I have a lot of soul-work to do--but released: able to see and receive the goodness of God again, finally celebrating a sense of harmony between myself, creation, others. (All this in the midst of terrible PMS, so it must be of God!)

I'll share more from Velvet Elvis soon! Has anyone else read it? Let me know your favorite parts!

Psalm 84:10 "Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere."

Several posts ago, I wrote about Willard Campbell, the gardener who shares homegrown roses with people in his town. His passionate, committed, consistent generosity inspired me. Seem too sentimental? Too sappy? Insignificant in the grand scheme of things? I say "no way." It's truly the "little" things we do for others that make the biggest difference.

I stumbled across the movie "Pay It Forward" on cable last week, and watched it again. Remember the story? Haley Joel Osment, Helen Hunt, and Kevin Spacey? Kevin Spacey is a teacher who challenges his social studies class with a project: find a way to make engage the world and make an impact. Haley Joel comes up with the "pay it forward" philosophy: do something kind for three people (and in his mind it has to be something "hard"--something that stretches you personally). Then, ask them to pay the kindness forward. The exponential power of his plan is what motivates him to find just the "right" act of kindness, and the "right" person who will truly follow through with the "pay it forward" concept.

Haley Joel takes huge risks. He gives a homeless man all of his savings so that he can "clean up," buy a suit, and get a much-needed job. And the man gets a job! But along the way, Haley Joel discovers that his new "friend" is a heroin addict, and has fallen back into using. Discouraged, disheartened, determined, Haley crosses off his friend's name from his "pay it forward" map, and tries to find someone else, and someone else, and someone else, repeatedly seeking out new random-act-of-kindness recipients whenever he suspects plans are failing, or the chain is breaking.

But he cannot see the full scope of his actions--people are in fact being influenced and continuing to influence others. By the end of the movie, Haley Joel gives his life in an especially daring and loving act of intervention. And thousands of people that he has inspired, nationwide, come to his home with candles, and flowers, and well-wishes for his grieving mother. Among the group is a reporter who has tracked the "pay it forward" connection from person to person to person -- across the states -- in an amazing testimony to the difference one small child can make.

And so now. . .how does all this connect to me? Several days ago, my dear friend Lisa came over for lunch. And I was again reminded how truly fragrant and powerful is the discipline of giving. Lisa showed up on my doorstep with a bouquet of colorful zinnias, black-eyed susans, and daisies. We shared a simple meal of egg salad sandwiches. Lisa brought homemade Rice Krispy Treats. Yum! The kids were ecstatic to share such a gooey treat. And Lisa also gave me a C.D. she made, downloading some of her favorite songs from I-tunes.

As I've been listening to the C.D. all week, the fragrance of Lisa's visit lingers. I'm so blessed by Lisa's specific thoughtfulness and the music of her soul. I love the way she looks at life, her desire to walk with honesty, integrity authenticity, faithfulness to God. It has been a number of years since I have felt or seen God's hand in my life (I'm sure He's been there, but I have felt so disconnected and discouraged.) Recently, however, my heart has been ignited with new sparks of joy. I can sense God partnering with me in a new way. And it seems evident that Lisa's gift of friendship--her prayerful presence in my life--is one of the many God-given reasons I am walking anew.

It's a good reminder. Simple acts of kindness, grace, and love can literally turn someone's life around.

Lisa, the gifts you bring inside of you bless me most of all! Thank you for being my friend!

Jennifer's "okay" photo! 15 years of marriage!

Today, I am grateful for 15 years of marriage to my loving, faithful, funny, gentle, servant-hearted, supportive husband -- Rich. It's our anniversary, and I've been reflecting on how I have been gifted with a true companion in my life. We got married in West Chicago, Illinois in a little one-room church that did not have air conditioning, and of course our wedding day happened to be the hottest day of the summer--90 degrees (+)--blazing hot. We actually put a fan under the altar so that it could blow some windy relief on us as we stood before friends and family to say our vows. (I remember being relieved that I had chosen a 100% silk gown to wear, because more than any other material, silk breathes!)

But dress details aside, one of the best parts of the ceremony to me was when my dear friend Sally sang "I Will Be Here." It's uncanny how 15 years later, the song's lyrics are more true for us than ever. Rich has been a consistent example to me of Christ's ever present, unconditional love. Through a season of depression, financial challenges, parenting three wonderful children, and many many special, irreplaceable moments, Rich has been there for me. I love you, honey! Happy Anniversary!

I Will Be Here
(Steven Curtis Chapman)

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
and the sun does not appear
I will be here

If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
I will be here

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I will be here

Just as sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here
Oh, I will be here.

I saw an ad for a spirituality class offered this fall at a local community center that has me intrigued. It's called Transition - Navigating Life's Changes. The description:

"It is often said that the one constant in life is change. Most of us are equipped to handle small changes in our schedule or routine. But, life's transitions demand a special reserve of strength and energy. Transitions are composed of an ending. . .middle passage. . .and a new beginning. Every ending, even if viewed in a positive light, involves some form of loss. The middle period can be particularly bleak [cocooning!], but this is also an opportunity to rediscover what is meaningful to you. Come with your stories and we will discuss moving through these rites of passage."

When the course description itself is encouraging and enlightening, the class might be just what I need. Off the page seemed to jump the line, "every ending, even if viewed in a positive light, involves some form of loss." It deals with a question that I've been mulling over and over in my mind without answer -- how do I move forward in hope and health without denying or downplaying my loss? The losses seem to come and come and come, like waves against the ocean shore, as our financial difficulties rise and persist. But, I wonder if I can avoid being knocked down every time, if my footing or mental stance simply need to change. I even ask myself -- are these losses real or perceived? This class seems to suggest they are real, and that it's important to talk about them, to share my story in a positive way.

This class holds out hope. I even have a few friends facing transitions of their own. Maybe I'll invite them to sign up with me, navigating life's changes together.

Our conversation is a full-circle balloon,
buoyant and bobbing with ease. . .

until I feel that familiar prick:
ENVY
the joy is leaking,
no longer can I hear your heart,
because I'm holding my own
trying to patch the unexpected
hole
but for the next painful
poke
and the next
and the next
and the next. . .

I'm always one finger too short,
focused on my own inevitable

deflating
sadness.

"Keep your eyes open and guard against every sort of covetousness, because even when a person has an abundance his LIFE does not result from the things he possesses." Luke 12:15

I leaned today that the word used for "life" in Luke's Gospel (Greek, zo-e) refers not to a manner or style of living but to life itself. I'll admit I'm guilty of mixing up the two, viewing a certain way of life as "living." I can fall into the trap of thinking that money to vacation or visit the State Fair; or materials to do a little scrapbooking, knitting, or some other hobby; or the means to a second car so that I can "go" places beyone my own neighborhood will help me feel more alive, adventurous, happy. But pursuing only a manner of living inhibits my ability to experience the abundant, full life of God.

Thinking about this, and what it truly means to live, I flipped on the radio while fixing my kids lunch. A rockin' Newsboys song came on. I cranked the volume and feigned a silly disco pose. Ryker jumped up from his peanut butter sandwich and reached for my hands, giggling. We tangoed up and down the hallway, sock-hopped through the living room. "Let me spin you Mommy, let me spin you," he laughed. We got tangled up in some off-kilter ballroom twirls. Then 3-year old Sean jumped down from his booster. I wiped off his sticky jelly fingers before swinging him into my arms for some more hopping, twisting, galloping fun. He bounced and squealed, "Look at me Ryker! Look at me! I'm dancing!"

My soul smiled. And my spirit agreed: Yes, life is not determined by those things for which we can pay or possess.

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are ... Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in my pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return. --Mary Jean Iron

The fragrance always remains on the hand that gives the rose. --Mahatma Gandhi

I received another Charity Focus quote/article worth passing on! It's about an 85 year old retiree known in Lake Placid, Florida as "The Rose Man." His real name is Willard Campbell and he's an avid gardner who brings his excess roses to businesses around town, and to anyone that needs a smile on their face. This local superhero was featured on the CBS news, and was quoted saying, "The idea hit me--Well, if I've got excess roses, why don't I take 'em and give 'em to patients in the hospital?" He spends 10 hours a day driving around, delivering his fragrant gifts, and guesstimates that he delivers more than 25,000 in a year. The most inspiring part of the article was this line:

"No one is immune to his generosity — no one, not even the florist."

Willard reminds me of 2 Corinthians 2:15 "As far as God is concerned there is a sweet, wholesome fragrance in our lives. It is the fragrance of Christ within us, an aroma to. . .all around us."

To see a video of Willard, and his sweet wife Opal (who supports him despite all the women who say they get more roses from Willard than they do their own husbands--she's adorable), click on the following link and scroll to the right side bar:

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/08/03/assignment_america/main3132106.shtml

In church the other night, Pr. Kristie shared a story about a disabled Appalachian man and his family living under conditions of extreme poverty. One day a welfare worker came to visit him. As she approached the man's shanty of a home, she could see that he was busy canning. Greeting him, she learned that fortune had visited his family in the form of a pesky grizzly that had been prowling around their property. With a rifle handy, the man was able to shoot and kill the bear. Then, after some careful bartering and trading for jars, he and his wife were able to preserve some much-needed protein for the winter, an often-diminished staple in their diet. After explaining all this to the welfare worker, the man thrust a large jar of bear meat into her arms, smiled and said, "Here, this is for you." She tried to refuse the gift, reminding him that he needed it more than she. He said, "No, keep it. As long as I can give something away, I ain't poor. "

The practice of generosity is about creating space. We see our limits and we extend them continuously, which creates an expansiveness and spaciousness of mind that's deeply composed. --Sharon Salzberg

One of my favorite bible passages is about this very idea. . .extending our limits. (1 Kings 17:1-16) It's the story of Elijah and "The Widow at Zarephath." The story begins with Elijah hiding in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan, during a severe drought of which God foretold: "There will be nether dew nor rain in the next few years except at my word." Elijah hid there under God's direction, and ravens brought him bread and meat in the morning and evening, and he drank freely from the brook. (How's that for "fast food?") When the brook dried up, God commanded Elijah to go to Zarephath to find a widow who could help him.

When he finds the widowed-woman at the town gate, gathering sticks, he calls to her. "Would you bring me a little water in a jar so I may have a drink?" As she was going to get it, he added, "And bring me, please, a piece of bread." (So bold on his part!)

She replied, "As surely as the Lord your God lives, I don't have any bread--only a handful of flour in a jar and a little oil in a jug. I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it--and die."

Elijah said to her, "Don't be afraid. Go home and do as you have said. But first make a small cake of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me and then make something for yourself and your son. For this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: 'The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the Lord gives rain on the land.'"

The woman went away and did as Elijah told her. And miraculously there was food every day for Elijah and the woman and her family. Just as God had said, the flour was NOT used up and the jug of oil did NOT run dry!

I love this story! I'm amazed at the way God extends this woman's limitations, simply because she was faithful to meet someone else's need. Not only did her food supply increase, but Elijah--this prophet from God--remained as a guest in her home for a season. What a blessing and added help to someone who desperately needed it!

In the past several years I have struggled with how to remain generous in a season of drought. When simply making rent from month to month is a challenge, it can be hard to navigate birthdays, holidays, simple outings with friends, and such. I've been forced to be creative. Not just in the artistic sense (making gifts and what not) but creative in the way that the above quote describes: "We see our limits and we extend them continuously..."

The Widow of Zarephath's compassion and character in the face of suffering is an example to me. In little ways, I've tried to learn from her, practicing generosity even when the numbers in my checkbook inspire self-protective panic. Elijah (and ultimately God's) words in this story come back to me time and time again, "Don't be afraid."

Sometimes I'm Elijah and God gives me the courage to ask for help. Other times I'm the brave widow, and God recreates my view of what's possible.

Whatever we treasure for ourselves separates us from others; our possessions are our limitations. --Rabindranath Tagore

I'm not a huge fan of Christian radio. But occasionally I will flip on KTIS while I make the children lunch. Darrell Evan's song "Trading My Sorrows" has always struck a chord with me, and while it plays I find myself dancing, clapping, and shimmying through the kitchen with rare, abandoned joy.

Interesting timing: I heard the song again today while I was cleaning my bedroom. I hate cleaning and it usually takes what little time and energy I have to keep the rest of my house in order. And because I figure that nobody has reason to look in my bedroom, it becomes the one safe place where I "stash" things--left over boxes of Walk With Me and Play With Me, posters from book signings, half-finished knitting projects, stacks of library books, scrapbooking supplies, bags of outgrown clothes for the kids that need sorting, etc.

It's such a metaphor for some of my spiritual habits: stuffing things where I think nobody else can see them, my soul often cluttered and neglected. It felt good to clean a room that's long required it while singing, dancing, and reminding myself that every day I can trade in my shame and sorrows for the joy of the Lord.

Darrell Evans "Trading My Sorrows"

I'm trading my sorrows
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord

And we say
Yes Lord Yes Lord, Yes Yes Lord
Yes Lord Yes Lord, Yes Yes Lord
Yes Lord Yes Lord, Yes Yes Lord, Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed
persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse
for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

Lord, may your Joy come and be my strength again!

Jennifer and Ryker came running into the house, completely out of breath, huffing and puffing their excitement like they'd just run ten miles. "Mommy, mommy, you'll never believe what we found! We were riding our bikes, and we almost rode right over them! Pennies! They were just sitting on the street. We're going to give them to "My Starving Children!"

I was so touched. And I thought, When did the thrill of a penny change for me?

If you cultivate a healthy poverty and simplicity, so that finding a penny will literally make your day, then, since the world is in fact planted in pennies, you have with your poverty bought a lifetime of days. --Annie Dillard

My children's thrill at their simple "find," reminded me of a recent e-mail I received from Charity Focus. Every day they send me an inspirational quote with a corresponding article about "good things" going on in the world. This particular day the focus was on "Freegan's," a term for people that live off consumer waste in an effort to divorce themselves from "out-of-control consumerism." The article was fascinating.

It described Freegan's as those that "forage through supermarket trash and eat the slightly bruised produce or just-expired canned goods that are routinely thrown out, and negotiate gifts of surplus food from sympathetic stores and restaurants. They dress in castoff clothes and furnish their homes with items found on the street; at freecycle.org, where users post unwanted items; and at so-called freemeets, flea markets where no money is exchanged." (This description excerpted from an article titled "Not Buying It" in the June 21, 2007 New York Times.)

The article went on to say that many Freegan's consider this way of life an "ethical" choice, and they take seriously their complete removal from capitalism. It's an extreme point of view, no doubt, but one that inspires me to be more purposeful in cultivating a perspective that values "goods." Where others see trash, is there the possibility of treasure? As Annie Dillard said, "the world is in fact planted with pennies."

(Click here to read the article in it's entirety. Photos of some of the 'Vegans' digging through dumpsters and emerging with prominent works of art are included. You gotta love it!)
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/21/garden/21freegan.html?ex=1340078400&en=fda4a5d4b29733b7&ei=5090&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss )

In the last few days, I have felt sustained, supported, encouraged--able to see the positive side of things and the little possibilities each day can bring. I'm sure that a large part of this shift in my spirit has to do with starting this blog. It has enlarged the circle of people with whom I'm sharing my journey. (Thank you Sally for encouraging me to start). Another part of the shift is related to a renewed sense that God is with me--which is such a gift. I imagine that those two things are more connected than I realize--opening up to others and sensing God's presence anew.

I feel so humbled by all of you who have e-mailed or called, and for the kind and generous gestures. Thank you for your support. And thanks be to God!

I'm embarrassed to admit that so soon after an assuring word from God, the temptation to spiral into doubt and shame is still there. (Bear with me, there's a good end to this story.) Rich and I were chatting after he got home from work. He was mentioning a conversation he had with someone who had suggested that I, with my college education, could run out and get a job making $70,000 - $100,000 (as if this was a possibility that I had chosen to forego because I was lazy).

Shame surfaced. My stomach lurched. And my heart fired up with anger. I wanted to call that person up on the phone and give them all the "in's and out's" of why they were way off-base--starting with the unrealistic, grandiose number of $70,000 for someone in a helping profession. I hope, and try to imagine, that this comment was inspired by a genuine concern for us, and a shared frustration with our situation. But shame often warps my perception, twisting the simplest exchanges into something self-attacking.

Immediately, Rich could see the change in my demeanor. Inside I was wrestling with two competing thoughts: God's fresh word to me "you're exactly where you're supposed to be, consider the lillies of the field who neither toil nor spin" vs. my own fears:"maybe you should re-evaluate (for the 100th time) re-entering the social service field before Sean starts school." (He's three years old). Back and forth, back and forth, "like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." The disciple James uses this wave imagery to describe what it's like when we doubt, and it's exactly how I feel. ". . .[s]he is a double-minded [wo]man, unstable in all [s]he does." (James 1:6-7)

I used to struggle with this passage on doubt, because I thought that when practically applied, people used it to "fake faith," afraid to question or wrestle or enter into genuine dialogue with their Creator. But reading it now--it makes complete sense. The verse follows the well known passage on "considering it joy when we face trials of many kinds, because the testing of our faith develops perseverance," etc. Then comes the section on doubting and waves and double-mindedness (which makes perfect sense: trials can and do stir up doubt about our path in life, what we truly believe, and our very identities). But, this is the most surprising part: immediately following the wave imagery is specific reference to those who are poor and to those who are rich:

"The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position. But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his business." (James 1: 9-11)

Putting it all together, it's as if James is acknowledging the trials of the poor and those in "humble circumstance," reminding us to root ourselves in the truth. Because he knows how easy it is to be tossed about in doubt when we are suffering. We wonder how it is that we've landed in certain situations and how we can achieve a "higher" position in life so we can taste more of the "good life." But James gently reminds us as he closes this passage, "Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

I want to walk in the light of God's truth. I'm so tired of shifting shadows. I don't want to be double minded, unsure of everything most of the time. So, I'm choosing not to freak out about "the comment" or the fact that I was called off of work for the second time this week (which is a major hit to our income and would normally spiral me into all kinds of negative thinking, like "when will we ever catch a break?" or "when it rains it pours" or "doesn't God see how hard we're trying?")

Instead, I'm going to focus on the fact that I got to share a meal with my family tonight, and we had sweet corn on the cob--delicious! My waitressing tips last night were generously well over 20%, so I was able to get a good start on shopping for my children's school supplies. And when I lay my head down on a soft pillow tonight to sleep (which is more comfort than most people experience in a lifetime) I'll cherish Jennifer's grateful comment after a fun afternoon of shopping: "Thanks for saving up money for my school supplies, mommy." Her heart blesses me beyond measure.

I didn't want to go to church this last Wednesday night. (It's sad: I've been so hungry for a word of comfort or encouragement, but for some reason I'm reluctant to go to the one place where I might receive one.) I went, though, because my daughter wanted to sing for the congregation with her Vacation Bible School friends. Thank goodness for the coaxing of a child, because it was the first time in a long time that I felt God speaking to me.


The service was built around the Holden Evening Prayer music that I love, and Pastor Kristie spoke. She and a group of our church's youth had just returned from their mission trip to El Salvador. Her experiences there so perfectly tied in with the gospel reading, which was about the man who had so much wealth that he built huge storehouses to contain everything. And after he set up these mighty storehouses, he was ready to sit back and soak up the sense of security that can only come from being prepared, smart, successful. But the Lord said to him, "You fool, do you not know that this very night, your life is required of you?"

For someone who doesn't have "piddly" in her savings account, and nothing tucked away for those "good 'ol" retirement years, these words are sooooo comforting! Not that we shouldn't be smart, ready, wise. (Even though I think our culture is slightly out of whack regarding the levels to which we go with this, our family too would try and secure our future financially if we had the resources.) But, it seems that over and over again God is reminding us that TODAY is what matters, and that we're mortal creatures, and that nobody knows how many days we'll be given! Our lives are not our own, they're in God's hands.

I was not only comforted by the scripture passage, but encouraged. As I sat there on the pew, my mind and spirit were flooded with all of the biblical stories and important 'aha' moments I've had over the last few years regarding money vs. spiritual abundance. It was like a whole string of annunciations that formed one beautiful crown of assurance, and God was slipping it onto my head, saying: "I know you don't think you're secure, safe, okay, held, loved, but you are." There are so many bible stories that have touched my life, and I've allowed them to hold me up for awhile, and then I sink again (much like Peter trying to walk on water.) I'll use this blog to start sharing some of those stories and 'aha' moments in future posts, but here's a tiny thought for starters:

I have a new understanding for the Jews of Jesus' time, who were waiting for a Messiah because they were so severely oppressed by the Roman government. They were POOR--desperate for justice and solutions and security and grace. (For some reason, simply knowing this comforts me.) And then came Jesus, born into a poor family, in one of the poorest villages around, without any overt agenda regarding the Romans. . .no schemes for overthrowing the obvious cultural oppression. Instead, he goes for the oppression and pain of their souls. Father forgive me, but I--like many of the Jews were--am disbelieving when Jesus seems to overlook financial woes, claiming my spiritual chains are more severe. (ouch!)

However, the true source of my suffering is exactly what I need to see, and it was more fully revealed to me while sitting in the pew of Wednesday's church service. Material deprivation seems to magnify for me a struggle with personal shame. It also exaggerates my sense of loneliness, living against the flow of culture (not by choice mind you--oh that my faith would be that great). After singing portions of the "Magnificat" and watching Jennifer sing, "Saved by Grace" with all the wacky hand motions she learned in bible school, I left church with a renewed sense of peace, and a new willingness to trust that I am right where I am supposed to be. (If you could've heard Pr. Kristie's sermon, perhaps you'd understand why. (To read her sermon in it's entirety, click here: http://www.familyofchristonline.com/sermon_8_5_07.html ) Pr. Kristie closed the service by having us close our eyes and listen to the following passage:

"Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

"So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after [!] all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. " --Matthew 6:25-33

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destsroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." --Matthew 6: 19-21

I want to be rich towards God.

One of the most difficult things about a season of unemployment is living without medical insurance. When Rich was laid off last October (2006), we checked into COBRA and the possibility of coverage through State Farm, and quickly realized that financially we were way out of our league. We had no choice but to forego coverage for the next six months and pray that no one would become critically ill or injured. Thank goodness we made it through winter without any flu bugs, ear infections, bouts with bronchitis, or what not; for our family that is a miracle in and of itself!

But, when summer hit, we faced a whole onslaught of medical conditions. Summer! Go figure! Jennifer and Ryker came down with nasty sinus infections that presented with high fevers and nausea. Diagnosis of the infections included expensive x-rays, and of course antibiotics. And then more antibiotics when the first round didn’t quite do their butt-kicking job. Then, Rich came down with a random ear infection that burst his ear drum. He tends to deal with medical issues by trying to "tough them out" so as not to contribute to our mounting bills. But, I insisted he go to the doctor when blood and ooze started coming out of his ear, and he was spending a lot of time on all fours, yelping in pain. Then came the bad tooth that required a root canal. Rich chose to have it pulled rather than "saved" because it was cheaper.

Funny thing is, the point of worry for me about all this does not come when medical bills arrive in the mail. My stomach is in knots primarily when medical conditions first appear. Because I never know what to do, especially when it comes to the kids. I’ve never been a high-maintenance mom when it comes to medical stuff. I don’t run to the doctor with every cold, fever, bump or bruise; I believe that most of the time our bodies heal on their own. But, when the kids are really sick, knowing that I "shouldn’t" go to the doctor because we can’t afford it makes me feel more vulnerable. I question whether I’m putting them at risk, holding off on visits only because my judgment is impaired by the fear of what it might cost. I wrestle more than normal with the "what if’s." What if I don’t take them in and this turns out to be something serious that I’ve avoided, just because I was worried about money?

Case in point: Yesterday afternoon, Ryker and Sean were roughhousing in the living room. Normal for boys, I know, but it drives me crazy. I told them to "stop it." Their play just escalated into a game of cat and mouse. Ryker had a blanket over his head (playing monster? who knows) and was chasing Sean until Sean tripped over his own feet. Then the screaming started. Sean's hearty cry alerted me to the fact that he was truly hurt and not just trying to rope his brother into trouble (as is usually the case). He said his foot hurt. And then he refused to walk on it for the rest of the night. Something sank in my chest like a cement brick. Was my youngest child simply "milking" it? Did he twist something, bruise something, or worse yet, break it? And then the dreaded question: Should I take him to the doctor?

Rich and I talked about the unfortunate timing of this fall. Medical insurance from Rich’s new job doesn’t kick in for another four weeks. We decided to wait until morning to see how Sean felt before calling anyone. When I woke up today without the familiar sound of pitter-pattering feet, running up and down the hallway, I felt sick. Scooting out of bed, I found Sean in the kitchen. Crawling.

So, obviously I called the pediatrician and scheduled an appointment. Even in the clinic’s waiting room, I studied Sean, looking for some sign that I had exaggerated his symptoms and that this visit was completely unnecessary. I nearly got up and left two or three times before our name was called. My mom (who had driven us there) convinced me to stay. I’m glad she did. The visit included x-rays that revealed nothing. Which is good news, but for the fact that the doctor said that "toddler breaks" (which are fairly common and happen most frequently when a child "trips" ) don’t show up on film until they start to heal. If Sean continues to favor this foot for the next four or five days, then we’ll need to bring him back in for a second set of x-rays. If there’s a break, he’ll need a cast.

I hope and pray that Sean’s leg is fine, and that he starts bearing weight on it soon. But, days like this stress me out. I need to pray that Rich and I will find a way to bear the weight of so many bills without losing sight of what's important.