Cocooning

Since writing my last post, Turning Tide Open Hands, the image of an OPEN HAND has continued to present itself, nudging my spirit like a reocurring dream.

If there's one thing I've "learned" over the past few years, it's to live generously, as if nothing is my own. When you have nothing, and your dreams are so far from reach, somehow it's easier to do. Because there's nothing to "protect." Which for me broke down walls and provided a real sense of wanting to help my neighbor. Because helping someone else felt like the best way to help myself. Living the golden rule in the midst of poverty felt like feasting on grace.

And now, as we're beginning to taste the goodness of the Lord in a new way. . .with realized dreams of a larger home. . . I find myself full of fear (or maybe it's simply old habits). I want to clamp down on our finances. Hold tight. Clench my fists and hold my breath. The dream of decorating a home with colors that appeal, and the hope of buying "new" furniture (garage-sale finds, but new to us) are not, I realize, important matters in the grand scheme of things. But if I'm honest, I spend a lot of time thinking about paint, and chairs, and coffee tables. Can I trust God to protect my dreams? I believe God will help us paint and refurnish in a way that will be a testimony to His grace.

I believe. . .but do my clenched fists tell a different story?

I was at a women's event the other night where I had the opportunity to watch Vanessa Gamble perform in a sketch called "The Bigger Picture." This profound one-woman show was full of stories and songs that were soul-stirring. God's Spirit moved through Vanessa in a way that filled the room with gentle conviction. Our collective clenched-fists began to relax as God whispered reminders: The Big Picture isn't about "bigger and better" or "more, more, more." Life is about living with open hands.

Open hands.

That very evening, I turned my back on an opportunity to give money to Myanmar.

I struggled and prayed, because for the first time in 5+ years, I've managed to save a small nugget of money. I've wanted to use it on my new house, but I heard the Lord saying, "Open your hands, Cheri." I felt the grip relax, only to clench tight again when fear continued to say, "Keep the money for yourself. It's not a lot. You need it. You're just being wise. How will you afford to paint and furnish if you don't hunker down and save?"

Lord help me. Everything is a gift from you. You gave me the money in the first place, so please tell me what to do with it.

Last night, watching American Idol, George Michael sang a song called "Praying for Time." I broke down and wept with remorse and regret. Not only for my choices, but for the ways ALL of us have erred on the side of clenched fists. The first line: "These are the days of the open hand."

Praying for Time
These are the days of the open hand
They will not be the last
Look around now
These are the days of the beggars
And the choosers

This is the year of the hungry man
Whose place is in the past
Hand in hand with ignorance
And legitimate excuses
The rich declare themselves poor
And most of us are not sure
If we have too much
But we'll take our chances

Because God stopped keeping score
I guess somewhere along the way
He must have let us all out to play
Turned his back and all gods children
Crept out the back door

Chorus
And its hard to love,
Theres so much to hate
Hanging on to hope
When there is no hope to speak of
And the wounded skies above
Say its much too late
Well maybe we should all be
Praying for time

These are the days of the empty hand
Oh you hold on to what you can
And charity is a coat you wear
Twice a year
This is the year of the guilty man
Your television takes a stand
And you find that what was over there
Is over here
So you scream from behind your door
Say whats mine is mine and not yours
I may have too much
But Ill take my chances

Because God stopped keeping score
And you cling to the things
They sold you
Did you cover your eyes when
They told you
That he can't come back
Because he has no children
To come back for

Repeat Chorus

Lord, I often regard TIME as a confounder of my own plans, a frustrating limitation. But now I see TIME as GRACE. I don't believe you turn your back on us. So, thank you for the gift of time, time for you to change our hearts and minds. Open our hearts, that our hands might open too!
To check out George Michael's American Idol performance, click here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZXE8Fohj8M

How do I explain the shift happening in our lives? A turning of the tide? A parting of the Red Sea? Some have suggested I've been given the gift of new perspective, that the only difference in our lives is that we can now simply SEE the waves of mercy and grace that were always there. But, who can deny the measureable change in our circumstances?

We can finally BREATHE! This month, we survived two, major, unexpected hits to our budget. $600 dollars later, we're still floating! This is such a good feeling. And in the meanwhile, a "push" from our landlord to move by the end of June has opened up the possibility of renting something that better fits our family.

I struggle to find words to describe the outpouring of blessing I am experiencing in my spirit. Several times this week, Psalm 145 has been brought to my attention in a way that feels like a favorite song on the radio, cranked up loud! I've even been given the image of God jumping up and down, like an ecstatic child, bursting with celebration and wild, wild joy at all that he has in store for me and my family.

Psalm 145: 13-16, 19, 21
The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The Lord uplifts all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you and you give their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. My mouth will speak in praise of the Lord. Let every creature praise his holy name forever and ever.

The phrases that stick out to me are "You open your hand" and "You give their food at the proper time." We may have been given the invitation for this season of celebration many, many years ago. . . yet waiting and believing that this "year of jubilee" would come proved terribly frustrating and faith-stretching. However, the time is now. Now is the proper time. I can feel it. I will trust it.

I am so grateful that God opens his hand.

In return, I open my own hands, praising God for his forever faithfulness. . . even if it's only my perspective which is new!