Walk in the Light
Saturday, August 4, 2007
In the last few days, I have felt sustained, supported, encouraged--able to see the positive side of things and the little possibilities each day can bring. I'm sure that a large part of this shift in my spirit has to do with starting this blog. It has enlarged the circle of people with whom I'm sharing my journey. (Thank you Sally for encouraging me to start). Another part of the shift is related to a renewed sense that God is with me--which is such a gift. I imagine that those two things are more connected than I realize--opening up to others and sensing God's presence anew.
I feel so humbled by all of you who have e-mailed or called, and for the kind and generous gestures. Thank you for your support. And thanks be to God!
I'm embarrassed to admit that so soon after an assuring word from God, the temptation to spiral into doubt and shame is still there. (Bear with me, there's a good end to this story.) Rich and I were chatting after he got home from work. He was mentioning a conversation he had with someone who had suggested that I, with my college education, could run out and get a job making $70,000 - $100,000 (as if this was a possibility that I had chosen to forego because I was lazy).
Shame surfaced. My stomach lurched. And my heart fired up with anger. I wanted to call that person up on the phone and give them all the "in's and out's" of why they were way off-base--starting with the unrealistic, grandiose number of $70,000 for someone in a helping profession. I hope, and try to imagine, that this comment was inspired by a genuine concern for us, and a shared frustration with our situation. But shame often warps my perception, twisting the simplest exchanges into something self-attacking.
Immediately, Rich could see the change in my demeanor. Inside I was wrestling with two competing thoughts: God's fresh word to me "you're exactly where you're supposed to be, consider the lillies of the field who neither toil nor spin" vs. my own fears:"maybe you should re-evaluate (for the 100th time) re-entering the social service field before Sean starts school." (He's three years old). Back and forth, back and forth, "like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." The disciple James uses this wave imagery to describe what it's like when we doubt, and it's exactly how I feel. ". . .[s]he is a double-minded [wo]man, unstable in all [s]he does." (James 1:6-7)
I used to struggle with this passage on doubt, because I thought that when practically applied, people used it to "fake faith," afraid to question or wrestle or enter into genuine dialogue with their Creator. But reading it now--it makes complete sense. The verse follows the well known passage on "considering it joy when we face trials of many kinds, because the testing of our faith develops perseverance," etc. Then comes the section on doubting and waves and double-mindedness (which makes perfect sense: trials can and do stir up doubt about our path in life, what we truly believe, and our very identities). But, this is the most surprising part: immediately following the wave imagery is specific reference to those who are poor and to those who are rich:
"The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position. But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his business." (James 1: 9-11)
Putting it all together, it's as if James is acknowledging the trials of the poor and those in "humble circumstance," reminding us to root ourselves in the truth. Because he knows how easy it is to be tossed about in doubt when we are suffering. We wonder how it is that we've landed in certain situations and how we can achieve a "higher" position in life so we can taste more of the "good life." But James gently reminds us as he closes this passage, "Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
I want to walk in the light of God's truth. I'm so tired of shifting shadows. I don't want to be double minded, unsure of everything most of the time. So, I'm choosing not to freak out about "the comment" or the fact that I was called off of work for the second time this week (which is a major hit to our income and would normally spiral me into all kinds of negative thinking, like "when will we ever catch a break?" or "when it rains it pours" or "doesn't God see how hard we're trying?")
Instead, I'm going to focus on the fact that I got to share a meal with my family tonight, and we had sweet corn on the cob--delicious! My waitressing tips last night were generously well over 20%, so I was able to get a good start on shopping for my children's school supplies. And when I lay my head down on a soft pillow tonight to sleep (which is more comfort than most people experience in a lifetime) I'll cherish Jennifer's grateful comment after a fun afternoon of shopping: "Thanks for saving up money for my school supplies, mommy." Her heart blesses me beyond measure.
I feel so humbled by all of you who have e-mailed or called, and for the kind and generous gestures. Thank you for your support. And thanks be to God!
I'm embarrassed to admit that so soon after an assuring word from God, the temptation to spiral into doubt and shame is still there. (Bear with me, there's a good end to this story.) Rich and I were chatting after he got home from work. He was mentioning a conversation he had with someone who had suggested that I, with my college education, could run out and get a job making $70,000 - $100,000 (as if this was a possibility that I had chosen to forego because I was lazy).
Shame surfaced. My stomach lurched. And my heart fired up with anger. I wanted to call that person up on the phone and give them all the "in's and out's" of why they were way off-base--starting with the unrealistic, grandiose number of $70,000 for someone in a helping profession. I hope, and try to imagine, that this comment was inspired by a genuine concern for us, and a shared frustration with our situation. But shame often warps my perception, twisting the simplest exchanges into something self-attacking.
Immediately, Rich could see the change in my demeanor. Inside I was wrestling with two competing thoughts: God's fresh word to me "you're exactly where you're supposed to be, consider the lillies of the field who neither toil nor spin" vs. my own fears:"maybe you should re-evaluate (for the 100th time) re-entering the social service field before Sean starts school." (He's three years old). Back and forth, back and forth, "like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." The disciple James uses this wave imagery to describe what it's like when we doubt, and it's exactly how I feel. ". . .[s]he is a double-minded [wo]man, unstable in all [s]he does." (James 1:6-7)
I used to struggle with this passage on doubt, because I thought that when practically applied, people used it to "fake faith," afraid to question or wrestle or enter into genuine dialogue with their Creator. But reading it now--it makes complete sense. The verse follows the well known passage on "considering it joy when we face trials of many kinds, because the testing of our faith develops perseverance," etc. Then comes the section on doubting and waves and double-mindedness (which makes perfect sense: trials can and do stir up doubt about our path in life, what we truly believe, and our very identities). But, this is the most surprising part: immediately following the wave imagery is specific reference to those who are poor and to those who are rich:
"The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position. But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his business." (James 1: 9-11)
Putting it all together, it's as if James is acknowledging the trials of the poor and those in "humble circumstance," reminding us to root ourselves in the truth. Because he knows how easy it is to be tossed about in doubt when we are suffering. We wonder how it is that we've landed in certain situations and how we can achieve a "higher" position in life so we can taste more of the "good life." But James gently reminds us as he closes this passage, "Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
I want to walk in the light of God's truth. I'm so tired of shifting shadows. I don't want to be double minded, unsure of everything most of the time. So, I'm choosing not to freak out about "the comment" or the fact that I was called off of work for the second time this week (which is a major hit to our income and would normally spiral me into all kinds of negative thinking, like "when will we ever catch a break?" or "when it rains it pours" or "doesn't God see how hard we're trying?")
Instead, I'm going to focus on the fact that I got to share a meal with my family tonight, and we had sweet corn on the cob--delicious! My waitressing tips last night were generously well over 20%, so I was able to get a good start on shopping for my children's school supplies. And when I lay my head down on a soft pillow tonight to sleep (which is more comfort than most people experience in a lifetime) I'll cherish Jennifer's grateful comment after a fun afternoon of shopping: "Thanks for saving up money for my school supplies, mommy." Her heart blesses me beyond measure.
