Quicksand
Monday, August 20, 2007
I had a dream last night, one of those dreams that is trying to tell me something:
I was sitting in the car of a moving train (which was more like a kiddie roller coaster ride, with simple, open, box-shaped carts) and we were heading towards a bridge. My family of origin was in the other cars of the train, although exact faces and personalities were a blur. The bridge we were approaching was old and it extended over a mucky pond-like lake. I was worried that the bridge would not be able to hold us. I looked at the big, round, pillared supports and thought, "maybe they'll hold because our weight is distributed amongst many different cars," but as soon as I thought the thought, my car turned down a different track.
I was shocked that I was flying down a track by myself, and that everyone else, including the cars that had been linked behind me were still continuing over the bridge. Somehow, my car had not been clasped to the other cars (even though it had seemed we were properly connected before I split off). I couldn't figure out how this had happened. I got out of my car and started walking into the lake to get across. Instantly, I was in quicksand up to my shoulders. I started to struggle, and my head went under the mud. Remembering the television show "Man vs. Wild" I relaxed so that I would have a chance of freeing myself. My head came up, and I started working the top half of my body out of the muck by relaxing and leaning parallel (as the t.v. show had said to do.)
I had a sense that my family was jumping around on the shore, concerned I was in the sand, but I knew there was nothing they could do. They couldn't come into the muck, and I was on my own. I remember being surprised that quicksand hurt. My ankles were throbbing with pain as I relaxed my legs and wrestled at the same time. It seemed that slowly I was working myself out of the muck, but the last thought I had before waking was how much it hurt.
When I woke up, I laid in bed for awhile, trying to sort through the images and listen to their deeper meanings. An obvious connection to my waking life is the recent, catastrophic collapse of the 35W bridge in Mpls. It's a terrible tragedy, and the most prominent thought I've had about the loss of lives and the horrible destruction is that it happened because not enough money was distributed to keep our roads and bridges safe. So in my dream, the fears of crossing the bridge might be related to lack of money, and the lack of trust that our weight and burdens as a family will be evenly distributed.
The fact that I found myself on a different track is a common theme in my dreams. It shows up in different images, but often I am on a separate, self-preserving path from my family members. It's always a point of distress to me, that I am alone and disconnected. In this dream, it is baffling to me how I wind up on a different path, and that even those behind me stay on the original course. It's not clear that I am responsible for the break between cars, but in my waking life I have to wonder if I am.
There are natural divisions or barriers between those who have money and those don't. It has been a source of inner conflict for me. I often wonder how to make bridges with those who seem so wealthy--on such a different track than me. It feels a bit like I'm a recovering alcoholic who can't escape the fact that the world is one big bar. Everwhere I turn, people are drinking to excess, and I can't relate. I can't "join in" with specific outings, or trips, or gatherings, because they cost money. The "diet" imagery is another way of looking at it. I'm the lone person who can't partake of the all-you-can-eat buffet that is on every corner. Everyone is eating, indulging, and nobody understands why I'm not. Or, maybe they understand why I'm not, but they, too, don't know how to create bridges. How to reach out. So, they stand back and watch me struggle in the quicksand, unable to help.
I know these are huge generalizations, but it's a dream and I think dreams highlight feelings more than fact. I'm sure there are layers and layers to these images that I will be unpacking for awhile, but I think the main point for now is this:
Bridges. Where are they? How do I travel them safely, connected to others in love, sharing burdens and cares?
Lord, I don't want to "split off." Please show me the way. . .
I was sitting in the car of a moving train (which was more like a kiddie roller coaster ride, with simple, open, box-shaped carts) and we were heading towards a bridge. My family of origin was in the other cars of the train, although exact faces and personalities were a blur. The bridge we were approaching was old and it extended over a mucky pond-like lake. I was worried that the bridge would not be able to hold us. I looked at the big, round, pillared supports and thought, "maybe they'll hold because our weight is distributed amongst many different cars," but as soon as I thought the thought, my car turned down a different track.
I was shocked that I was flying down a track by myself, and that everyone else, including the cars that had been linked behind me were still continuing over the bridge. Somehow, my car had not been clasped to the other cars (even though it had seemed we were properly connected before I split off). I couldn't figure out how this had happened. I got out of my car and started walking into the lake to get across. Instantly, I was in quicksand up to my shoulders. I started to struggle, and my head went under the mud. Remembering the television show "Man vs. Wild" I relaxed so that I would have a chance of freeing myself. My head came up, and I started working the top half of my body out of the muck by relaxing and leaning parallel (as the t.v. show had said to do.)
I had a sense that my family was jumping around on the shore, concerned I was in the sand, but I knew there was nothing they could do. They couldn't come into the muck, and I was on my own. I remember being surprised that quicksand hurt. My ankles were throbbing with pain as I relaxed my legs and wrestled at the same time. It seemed that slowly I was working myself out of the muck, but the last thought I had before waking was how much it hurt.
When I woke up, I laid in bed for awhile, trying to sort through the images and listen to their deeper meanings. An obvious connection to my waking life is the recent, catastrophic collapse of the 35W bridge in Mpls. It's a terrible tragedy, and the most prominent thought I've had about the loss of lives and the horrible destruction is that it happened because not enough money was distributed to keep our roads and bridges safe. So in my dream, the fears of crossing the bridge might be related to lack of money, and the lack of trust that our weight and burdens as a family will be evenly distributed.
The fact that I found myself on a different track is a common theme in my dreams. It shows up in different images, but often I am on a separate, self-preserving path from my family members. It's always a point of distress to me, that I am alone and disconnected. In this dream, it is baffling to me how I wind up on a different path, and that even those behind me stay on the original course. It's not clear that I am responsible for the break between cars, but in my waking life I have to wonder if I am.
There are natural divisions or barriers between those who have money and those don't. It has been a source of inner conflict for me. I often wonder how to make bridges with those who seem so wealthy--on such a different track than me. It feels a bit like I'm a recovering alcoholic who can't escape the fact that the world is one big bar. Everwhere I turn, people are drinking to excess, and I can't relate. I can't "join in" with specific outings, or trips, or gatherings, because they cost money. The "diet" imagery is another way of looking at it. I'm the lone person who can't partake of the all-you-can-eat buffet that is on every corner. Everyone is eating, indulging, and nobody understands why I'm not. Or, maybe they understand why I'm not, but they, too, don't know how to create bridges. How to reach out. So, they stand back and watch me struggle in the quicksand, unable to help.
I know these are huge generalizations, but it's a dream and I think dreams highlight feelings more than fact. I'm sure there are layers and layers to these images that I will be unpacking for awhile, but I think the main point for now is this:
Bridges. Where are they? How do I travel them safely, connected to others in love, sharing burdens and cares?
Lord, I don't want to "split off." Please show me the way. . .
