Cocooning

Did you know that Japanese believe the first dream of the New Year to be auspicious?

A friend of mine who conducts dream workshops recently e-mailed an invitation to attend one of her dream salons. In the email she included the "auspicious" tidbit. Immediately, my mind rewound to a dream I had had a few days ago. I wondered, What day was that again? After reviewing my mental calendar I determined it was a dream I'd had on New Year's Day morning. Therefore, my FIRST and most fortunate or promising.

In this dream, I was pregnant.

Excited about having another baby, and feeling somewhat competent, I was sitting with another woman who had just had a baby. She was asking questions about feeding and nursing patterns. She wanted to know if she should nurse first, and feed solids later, or the other way around. I told her that I had always fed solids first, hoping to fill my children up as much as possible before offering the breast. The goal being children who would learn to depend less and less on me as their primary source for "everything."

After reflecting on my New Year night-gift, and asking God what the images might mean, I've come to this:

The dream seems to be announcing a new season of parenthood AND personhood. (NO, I don't think it means we will have MORE children!) Instead, I think it means that what my kids need from me is shifting. My youngest is three, but already I am sensing he's ready for more than "just me." He's probably ready for preschool, or some type of child care. And with this bankruptcy wiping our slate clean within the next few months, I'm hungry for a major life change. A full time job of some sort?

I'm also turning 40 this year. And I'm asking myself what I want the second half of my life to look like. What personal changes must I undertake to ready myself for happiness? Because I need to believe that the last 7 years of suffering were necessary, but not meant to be eternal. Things can be different. I can "like" my life. I can live my values, overcome poverty, and celebrate prosperity.

I know that this all sounds very un-Christian. I mean, we're not supposed to pursue happiness in and of itself, right? We're supposed to pursue God. And I know from personal experience that we can strive to change certain circumstances, but sometimes our efforts are futile. God has a different plan. The last seven years have made me question "control" and how much we can really determine destiny. (Isn't that an oxymoron? Determine destiny?)

But, for me, 2008 is going to be about finding a way to be happy. And as narcissistic as it might sound, I still think God is in it somehow.

I'm hopeful, prayerful, and pregnant with expectation.

Another promising tidbit related to my dream? I LOVED being pregnant with all three of my children. Out of my 40 lived years, those 27 months (combined) were my most radiant and joyful!