Cocooning

I changed my blog music. . . did you notice? Monica Schroeder's "Peace" and Vienna Teng's "Lullaby for a Stormy Night" are both my sung prayers for the New Year.

I was told that filing bankruptcy has emotional implications, beyond the paper and the numbers and the logistics of finances. I'm not sure I believed this would apply to me and my process. Arrogant or ignorant? Perhaps both. . . . But, after signing and submitting our petition, I'm definitely experiencing a surge of shame and deep sadness.

I'm sad, but at the same time cautiously hopeful.

My biblestudy group is reading "Front Porch Reflections" together and one of the devotions we discussed today said, "Ask the Lord to reveal the plans he has for you in the coming year." I balked, thinking Who would want to know that? That's too scary! (Almost like asking a fortune teller to reveal secrets we're not meant to know.) I'm simply content to live each day, I thought.

It's good to live in the moment, but at the same time I recognize my balking as unbelief. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "they are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Do I trust God about this? I don't know. I want to embrace hope, wrap my arms around the Hope-giver and hang on with all my might.

That's what I want. . .but my arms feel terribly tired and weak.

Hannah shared something with me in biblestudy this morning that she'd seen on the Today Show. She asked me to put out my arm and tighten my muscles so as to resist her hand pushing mine down. She applied firm pressure, but I was able to keep my arm steady. It didn't move. Then Hannah told me to repeat the phrase, "I'm not worthy" three times.

I'm not worthy.
I'm not worthy.
I'm not worthy.

She then asked me to extend my arm once again. This time when she pushed, my arm couldn't withstand the pressure. My strength, my resolve, my determination had been weakened by one shameful thought.

And so I pray with Monica Schroeder, "No more worries tonight. I will just breathe the air. I'd like some peace tonight. No more fear tonight. And I won't cry anymore. I'd like some peace tonight."

In my heart, I add the line: "No more shame tonight."

With my pinky finger, I'm clinging to the Hope-giver, and along with Vienna Teng, trying to trust that my beloved moon is simply masked.

Lyrics to Lullaby for a Stormy Night

(To hear the song, simply wait for Monica Schroeder's song to finish. It's second on my auto play list. You might have to read some older blog entries while you wait for it to play!)

little child, be not afraid
though rain pounds harshly against the glass
like an unwanted stranger, there is no danger
I am here tonight

little child, be not afraid
though thunder explodes and lightning flash
illuminates your tear-stained face
I am here tonight

and someday you'll know
that nature is so
the same rain that draws you near me
falls on rivers and land
on forests and sand
makes the beautiful world that you'll see
in the morning

little child, be not afraid
though storm clouds mask your beloved moon
and its candlelight beams, still keep pleasant dreams
I am here tonight

little child, be not afraid
though wind makes creatures of our trees
and their branches to hands, they're not real, understand
and I am here tonight

or you know, once even I was a
little child, and I was afraid
but a gentle someone always came
to dry all my tears,
trade sweet sleep for fears
and to give a kiss goodnight

well now I am grown
and these years have shown
that rain's a part of how life goes
but it's dark and it's late
so I'll hold you and wait'til your frightened eyes do close
and I hope that you'll know...

everything's fine in the morning
the rain'll be gone in the morning
but I'll still be here in the morning