Cocooning

I've been reading Philip Yancey's Disappointment with God. I stumbled across the title on another one of my weekly treks through the library's religious section. Yancey is one of my favorite authors, and this book is a Christian classic. Even though it's been around for years I've never read it. It's finally time to give it a go. You can guess why. . .

My relationship with God has been morphing over the last six years. New questions about suffering, and God's role in it, perplex and pain me. Disappointment with God is the first book I've read that "hits the spot." Reading it feels like meeting a doctor who--after years and years of searching--can finally diagnose your debilitating distress. He reaches for your heart and says, "Does it hurt here?" And immediately you know that he has experience in these matters! Finally someone "gets it!" The long string of physicians (authors, pastors, people) that I've visited before all wave away this pain as a problem of the mind: "It's one of the great questions of life that will never be answered or understood, so just dismiss it and move on." But Yancey is willing to go there. He takes a new approach.

Avoiding theological answers to an emotional question is the first thing he gets right. Yancey says, "Disappointment is a hoped-for relationship that somehow has not worked out." (p. 10) And so his book's angle explores relationship. He wonders if those who experience disappointment in God (including himself) have been expecting something from God that is unbiblical or unrealisitic. And so before addressing the problem in his book, he holes up in a small mountain-cabin and digs into the bible--starting at the beginning and working his way through to the New Testament--trying to discover for himself what one can rightfully expect from God. He says, "What better place to begin than by letting God speak for himself? I tried to rid myself of preconceptions and read the Bible like a story, with a 'plot.' What I found there astonished me. It was very different from the story I had been told most of my life."

It astonished me, too. I didn't expect to find real comfort in this book, but I did. One of the key things I walked away with is an understanding of how God's role in humanity--from Old Testament times until now--has changed. There used to be more obvious and frequent miracles, and the voice of God seemed to be heard in an audible way. It bounced out of bushes, and boomed down from burning pillars of fire, and burst out of radiant clouds. But, now, we don't see or hear God in the same way. This change, I learned, is by intention, by design. Now, God takes up residence in US. WE are the body of Christ. Yancey says, when somebody cries, "'Where is God? Show Me. I want to see him.' Surely at least part of the answer to his question is this: If you want to see God, then look at the people who belong to him--they are the "bodies." They are the body of Christ."

Yancey suggests (and this isn't the whole angle of his book, but just one interesting point along the way) that often times our disappointments with God are truly disappointments with his people. There are so many times I have wondered about this very thing for myself. . . If the reason I fall quickly into despair is because I know God works through people and so I am looking to people to help, and I know all too well that when it comes to the amount of money we're in need of . . .help is not going to come. Money has such a fierce hold on all of us (each in different ways--some of us are tied up with debts, some of us don't want to give up our personal dreams for life/retirement, and most of us prize comfort). And so I'm cynical, disbelieving that God CAN save and work in spite of our many strongholds.

BUT: Praise God for two redeeming shifts in my perspective! I'm realizing now that I need to refocus on GOD as my Great Giver--not people. (Phew! What a relief!) And also, I feel a new sense of responsibility to BE the face of God for other hurting souls. Not that I ever stopped caring, or reaching out, but I feel a new surge of enthusiasm. . .like a great gust of wind beneath my weary wings.

This Friday I am speaking to a group of women at my church, and in many ways speaking has become a sort of draining obligation to me. In fact, because of this feeling, after several years of ministering to women's groups, I swore that this event would be my LAST. And though I'm nervous about presenting myself and my stories to women in my home church in particular, I suddenly have new energy to do it. These precious women need words of encouragement from the Lord. I am humbled and surprisingly happy to let God speak, through whatever words he may give me. I am actually excited to "meet" God there, in a very real way.

Who needs a parting of the Red Sea when I can walk with women who are the very face of God to me?

I guess it's possible that my dis-appointment is slowly turning into an appointment! Please Lord, may it be!

As we are proceeding with the possibility of filing for bankruptcy, we are discovering there are a few hoops through which we must jump. One is consulting with a debt management agency for a "pre-bankruptcy" educational meeting. It costs $75.00. Second is a pre-discharge meeting (a meeting right before the judge "releases" you of your debts). It's designed to make sure you have the skills to avoid further debt problems. It costs $100.00. Both meetings are required by the courts. On top of those expenses is $300 dollars to file for bankruptcy, and another $1000 to pay the attorney.

The hoops are not a big deal to us, but for the fact that they COST! If we had money to pay those types of fees, we wouldn't be filing for bankruptcy in the first place!

When I called the debt mgmt company with which we've been working, and they explained some of these costs, I practically burst into tears right then and there.

We've talked about pawning my wedding ring for the money. Because our budget is so frugal we really don't have any extra spending money anywhere.

Please, friends, pray that God will make a way!

Saw this clip today about a professor invited to speak for a series called "The Last Lecture." He's dying of pancreatic cancer, so in all reality, it probably will be his last lecture. He has a lot of neat things to say. . . and his brilliant buoyancy in the face of mortality is phenomenal. Check it out!



To read the corresponding article (the details are worth it) click here:
http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB119024238402033039.html

A friend of mine sent me a "heads up" about this God Tube video. I've visited the site several times to watch it. It's amazing. Theater and music are both powerful tools for storytelling, aren't they? This is so moving. . . check it out!



Thanks Monica!!!

I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself. --Maya Angelou

Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.
--Martin Luther King Jr.

I'm questioning whether I should continue with this blog or not. For me, it's been a cathartic way to process my stuff and to deal with sometimes difficult circumstances. But, maybe I don't share enough of the "good" stuff. I'm trying to include the positive aspects of my life, of which there are many, but often the "hard" stuff is what gets tangled up in my head, begging to be sorted through. Which is why I write in the first place.


But, what I'm wondering is this: Should I stick to writing in a private journal? Maybe I need to reevaluate the purpose of blogging. Is there supposed to be a purpose? I mean, why blog in the first place?


All of this came up because a friend of mine told me that she wants to quit reading my posts. (She's such a good friend, and so sensitive, she actually asked my "permission" to discontinue!)


"Of course you can quit," I told her. "I tell you everything going on in my life anyway!" For her, reading tidbits about my difficulties is too much of a downer. And she feels responsible for "fixing" me. Which is the LAST thing I want to convey.


But, in a strange way I feel responsible too. . .to anyone who might stumble across my ramblings. Because I don't want to be discouraging, but encouraging. When sitting down to write a post, I sometimes think, "Write something a little fluffier. Quit being so deep." Or, I hear this voice that says, "Maybe people need something sunny, funny, uplifting, cute." And I struggle with whether to continue to writing the truth about my life--the very thing that's presenting itself to me at the moment I choose to blog--vs. shaping my life stories into a positive perspective and message that might be helpful.


In the end, I've been sticking with "what is" and not necessarily "what others might need to hear."


My prayer is that somehow, inadvertently, my weakness might be a source of someone else's strength. And that by writing, my own attitudes towards life, love, and God will grow and change. I know I'm being helped. But is anyone else?


There is more than a verbal tie between the words common, community, and communication ... Try the experiment of communicating, with fullness and accuracy, some experience to another, especially if it be somewhat complicated, and you will find your own attitude toward your experience changing. --John Dewey



The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers. --M. Scott Peck

How many times now have I posted on a specific thought, and the following day I find an article in my e-mail box that is related? It's uncanny. Here's a message from Charity Focus related to the healthiness of friendship:

Loneliness
Is
An island
In
The
middle
Of
A sea of people --R.R. (age 11)

Fact of the Day:

According to research at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn., having close friends you can count on has far-reaching benefits for your physical and mental health. A strong social network can be critical to helping you through the stress of tough times, whether you've had a bad day at work or a year filled with loss or chronic illness. Dr. Edward T. Creagan is a cancer specialist at the Mayo Clinic and the author of "How Not to Be My Patient: A Physician’s Secrets for Staying Healthy and Surviving any Diagnosis." He says a prescription of friendship can go a long way toward a healthy future. “Mounting evidence from sociologists, psychologists and medical researchers suggests that strong social support -- I like the term 'connectedness' -- can help a person live longer,” he said. [ more ]

Submitted by: Birju Pandya

Be The Change:
Make an explicit effort to decrease someone's loneliness today -- a smile to a passerby, a conversation with a coworker, a flower to a friend.

I love how these articles often include a "be the change" challenge like the one above. I think a more fitting challenge regarding connectedness, though, might be to reach out when YOU have a need. Ask for help. Share a heartache. Confess a fear. Tell a story. Invite a friend to join your journey!

My two oldest children are back to school, and I'm trying to establish a new routine with my at-home, three-year old. I'm suddenly remembering how hard this develomental stage is for me. I've been through it all before with Ryker and Jennifer, but even so, my youngest's demand for consistent boundaries and constant attention seems a fresh challenge. Having to repeatedly redirect behavior in a positive manner, and engage emotionally (through imaginative play, etc) flares my issues. Too often I feel like Sean is a Mack truck, and by the end of each day I've been reduced to nothing but road kill. It's an awful feeling when you realize that standing in the middle of his hell-bent highway and trying to flag down his I-can-do-whatever-I-want behavior isn't working.

It's easy to get down on myself and my mothering style. Rich has to remind me, "Cheri, you went through this with the first two kids, and you did a great job! Look at how wonderful they are. Sean will turn out great, too!" The encouragement blesses me and brings me to tears.

Even so, there are days I hear him muttering something to the effect of "Super Nanny, we need you!"

All of this difficulty has me thinking again about relationships and "connection." Yes, I provided a diatribe about this in mine and Sal's first book, Walk With Me, in a piece called The Mountains of Motherhood (a reference to The Odyssey). It's somewhat haunting to realize that here I am--four years later--still wrestling with the same issues. It guess it's just persistently true: parenting can be a circular and lonely job.

Yes, yes, I'm aware there are "mom's" groups, and such, designed to help women connect. My own formal ties to women will start up the end of September, so there's hope in sight. But isn't it strange how, in general, dis-connection is the societal norm?

Apart from formal employment, we live within the confines of four walls, and for the most part, we journey through the day without any "real" connection. Of course there are telephones and e-mail and such. But I think they provide a false sense of intimacy. Maybe in rare cases they help. But they still don't create the kind of community that's life giving and soul-sustaining. The way I see the problem: It's almost like we're all living on the moon, and we're missing gravity -- that essential ingrediant for remaining down-to-earth, rooted, joined together, connected. It's a major, major problem.

We can connect with a lot of hard work and intention--but it doesn't change the fact that gravity is missing. At times, it can be really hard to hang on. At least for me.

How interesting that "gravity," by the grace of God, only seems to appear easily when there's a crisis. Then the very nature of things is reversed, undone. A hurricane, a house fire, a health problem. . .and suddenly we find ways to come together. And those ways feel natural, not hard.

My friend Sally called me with stories about a recent storm in her area that tore through the town in such a manner that trees were uprooted, buildings destroyed, and power was disrupted. She and her neighbors did not have electricity for five long days. As a result, there was a huge generator placed in the middle of the street, and surrounding families had to come out of their homes to "plug in." Their ability to carry on with wells and septic systems and electricity in general was suddenly dependent on others. For the first time in a long time, neighbors were talking, sharing, and helping one another. And it was all because of a crisis, that somehow gave their moon-like, float-away-from-each-other tendencies, gravity.

I've been reading Rob Bell's latest book, called Sex God. (The title is a bit odd. He's referencing sex in the broad sense of the word--sexuality as the need to "connect.") In an early chapter he tells about meeting a couple at a Rolling Stones concert. When they ask him what he does for a living, and he explains he's a pastor, a whole new line of discussion opens up. They talk politics and the environment, music, family, literature. . .etc. And then the woman turns to him and asks why the world is so broken. Why people can't just get along.

Rob was intuitive enough to perceive the soul-nature of her question. On page 34 he says, "The question seemed to come from years of reflection. And it wasn't just an intellectual issue; this was something that deeply troubled her soul. She pointed to the forty thousand people seated around us in the stadium and asked, 'Why is it so hard for us to get along? Why do we have to fight with each other and sue each other and say horrible things about each other?'

"As she was saying this, I realized that what she was saying was less a series of questions and more of a lament. A grieving.

"We're disconnected from each other and we know it. It's now how things are supposed to be. Even people who would say they have no faith in God or in any sort of higher being or supreme power still have a sense that there is a way things are supposed to be. And that way involves us as humans being connected with each other."

In other words, my issues with Sean, and being a stay-at-home-mom simply expose my deepest hunger as spiritual: a longing to connect. Lack of connection truly is a grief.

Community is life-sustaining. I guess it's why I've co-written two books on friendship. And I guess it also explains why 99% of all the groups that hire me to speak request the topic of friendship (which in the beginning always baffled me). As Rob Bell puts it, "We're severed and cut off, disconnected in a thousand ways, and we know it, we feel it, we're aware of it every day. It's an ache in our bones that won't go away."

Feeling the ache in the way that I do helps me realize how any real connection that you, or I, or anybody experiences, is a miraculous gift. It's evidence that there is such a thing as relational or spiritual "gravity." It's a mysterious, hidden, feminine, protective power that holds all things together in love. I think it's called, "Spirit of God."


"Friendship was Jesus' great dream for his church. He wanted to create a fellowship of friends such as the world had never seen. This would be his greatest miracle. Then 'all men will know that you are my disicples, if you love one another' (John 13:35) --Mike Mason

We met with an attorney and it looks like we qualify for bankruptcy. We still have a bit of window-shopping to do to make sure we're going with the "right" attorney. The money to file for bankruptcy is still a barrier. We have a few ideas floating around as to how we could come up $1500. In the meanwhile, having a potential plan in place is simply a relief. I should know better than to trust in my own plans, though. I hope bankruptcy--a forgiven debt, a fresh start--is God's plan for us too, but who knows what "The One Who Sets the Stars on Course" will do? I think (or at least I'd like to think) I'm open to another change of direction. . . . We'll see what reality brings!

Thanks for your continued prayers. I'm continuing to soak up the book, "Hustling God" and I'll share more on that in upcoming posts.

In my post, Osteoporosis of a Spiritual Kind, I commented on how contrary to society's beliefs about achieving perfection and power, we are created with limitations. And when we try to be more than we were created to be, we actually become less. We expand and grow and live in the light when we can learn to accept and honor weakness. Our struggles and problems and pains are not a crippling illiness, but rather part of the beauty of being human. . . .

In light of those thoughts, I loved receiving the following quote and message from Charity Focus today:

We need limitations and temptations to open our inner selves, dispel our ignorance, tear off disguises, throw down old idols, and destroy false standards. Only by such rude awakenings can we be led to dwell in a place where we are less cramped, less hindered by the ever-insistent External. Only then do we discover a new capacity and appreciation of goodness and beauty and truth. --Helen Keller

Inspiration of the Day:

15-year-old Estar Hester has chronic lung disease, scoliosis, an immune system problem -- and an indomitable spirit. Written over a period of four years, her first published work, "Tomorrow Will Be a Better Day -- Lessons from a Wish Child" was recently released in e-book form. Its purpose? "My book is mainly to inform people on how to deal with problems that are ahead of them" Hester said. An excerpt from her book reads as follows: "When things are wrong and we are hurting, it is not the end of the world. Our hearts might hurt like the world is over but really those times are beginnings not endings. It is doors closing and new doors opening, often to nicer, happier places." [ more ]

There are so few people willing to mentor others on living with suffering and struggles. We just don't hear enough from people with a strong spiritual center and message! How appropriate and beautiful that in this case the message comes from a child. Click on "more" to read the article on Estar Hester. And if her book intrigues you at all, won't you support this budding author by buying one of her books?

Several months ago I stumbled across a bible story I'd never heard before. The imagery was so striking: a woman in the synogogue healed of osteoporosis. I find it sort of odd that I've never heard a message from the pulpit on this passage! It's all about being "bent" physically, but I think the deeper layers of this story suggest we can also suffer in posture spiritually apart from the healing touch of Christ.

Luke 13: 10-13

On a Sabbath Jesus was teaching in one of the synagogues, and a woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not straighten up at all. When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, 'Woman, you are set free from your infirmity.' Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God."

I wish I knew more about bibilical history, and the culture of the time, because I have to wonder if there is any connection between this woman's infirmity and misogyny. Wasn't it abnormal for a woman to be "called forward" in such a masculine-driven, male-defined setting? I think so!

Thank you Lord that you heal women. Call us forward. That you straighten our posture, freeing us to praise you in the fulness of who we were made to be: Christ-like women of strength, grace, and dignity.

After reading the first chapter of Hustling God, I confessed to being a "hunter of sacred gifts," always worried that blessings were something I had to achieve, acquire, seek, earn.

In the second chapter, author Craig Barnes focuses on how hunting for sacred gifts tempts us to pretend (paradoxically) not to be more, but less than who we really are. Barnes says, "Desiring to become something greater than we are, we tragically become so much less than we were created to be."

In our success-focused, climb-the-ladder, strive-for-your-greatest-potential culture, this can be a difficult concept to grasp. But, I think Barnes' statement is true! When I'm tempted to believe that my journey is about "getting life right," or "learning my lessons" so to speak, I wrongly reach for approval, acceptance, or blessing in a way that bends my posture towards something outside of myself. I no longer stand upright in truth. I hunch over and away from the truth of who Christ has created me to be.

Barnes refers to this bent posture as "favorite temptations" or "besetting sins," and he uses the language of cars to describe it. (Masculine or mechanical metaphors don't usually work for me, but this one does!) Barnes says, "My first car had a serious allignment problem. The tires were bent on leading the car to the right. If I didn't compensate by constantly pulling the steering wheel to the left, I would end up in the ditch. Your besetting sin refers to your allignment problem, to the particular thing that will send your life into the ditch if you don't compensate for it. Typically, these besetting sins are shared among a family, which is where we learn them."

This makes complete sense to me. My natural bent or allignment problem is so achievement-driven, it explains why I am always "compensating" with Grace. I starve for the healing message of "God's power perfected in my weakness." And much of my grace journey has been accepting--learning to love and live in--my human limitations. When I'm trying to be "spiritual," "righteous," or "more perfect," I end up being so much less than what God has in mind for me. On the other hand, when I acknowledge my pains, problems, difficulties and challenges, I am actually open to the healing, changing, restorative power of God. I am more myself and who I was designed to be.

Barnes points out that even Adam and Eve were created with limitations. Created with limitations! I've never thought of it this way before. But, how strange that sin started when these two garden-dwellers were tempted to deny their limitations, ignore them, pridefully believe that God had created them to be, know,and achieve more.

Anyway, all of this brings Barnes to the point that blessings are not necessarily given to those who are morally upright, or perfectly alligned. . . because the story of Jacob proves that those with a bent towards deceit get blessed, generation after generation. And strangely enough, characters within Jacob's story who appear to be outside of God's blessing actually have higher morals. He says, "Again this is evidence that the blessing flows only from the grace of God." There are no conditions for receiving God's blessing. No hoops through which we need to jump.

Okay, you've hung with me so far. . . and I know this is getting long. But, what does this all mean to me and my life right now? When life gets hard (like it is now) I can freak out (apart from the message of grace) because I too easily fear that I've missed the blessing. I've screwed up somehow. Which makes me think I have to spin my wheels harder and harder to get out of the ditch. But all of this freaking out is just bent behavior. I need to claim that I am a new creation of God and trust that he is making me into a blessing that only he can make of me by grace.

Barnes says, "Today it may not be at all clear how he will do that. But that is a Savior's worry. For now, it is enough to claim our identity as the cherished daughters and sons with whom the heavenly Father is well-pleased. The more we believe that, the easier it will be to fight off the great temptation that has plagued us since our childhood--pretending to be something less than we really are."

In light of my reflection yesterday on "blessings," I thought today's Charity Focus link was interesting:

The Gentle Art of Blessing--Pierre Pradervand

On awakening, bless this day, for it is already full of unseen good which your blessings will call forth, for to bless is to acknowledge the unlimited good that is embedded in the very texture of the universe and awaiting each and all. [...]

The minute anyone expresses the least aggression or unkindness to you, respond with a blessing: Bless them totally, sincerely, joyfully – for such blessings are a shield that protects them from the ignorance of their misdeed and deflects the arrow that was aimed at you.

To bless means to wish, unconditionally and from the deepest chamber of your heart, unrestricted good for others and events; it means to hallow, to hold in reverence [...] To bless is to invoke divine care upon, to speak or think gratefully for, to confer happiness upon, although we ourselves are never the bestower, but simply the joyful witnesses of life's abundance.

To bless all without distinction is the ultimate form of giving, because those you bless will never know from whence came the sudden ray that burst through the clouds of their skies, and you will rarely be a witness to the sunlight in their lives.

When something goes completely askew in your day, when some unexpected event upsets your plans and you also, burst into blessing. For life is teaching you a lesson, and the very event you believe to be unwanted, you yourself called forth, so as to learn the lesson you might balk against were you not to bless it. [...]

It is impossible to bless and judge at the same time.

--Pierre Pradervand, From "The Gentle Art of Blessing"

I've started reading a new book, called Hustling God, by M. Craig Barnes, subtitled Why we Work so Hard for what God wants to Give (Zondervan, 1999). I found it at my local library, and of course the title jumped right off the shelf at me. When I picked it up and thumbed through a few pages, I discovered it draws from the biblical story of Jacob, whose name means "striver, schemer, supplanter, hustler."

I've always identified with Jacob--especially the part of his story when he wrestles with the angel, insisting he won't quit until God chooses to bless him. It seems I'm always "wrestling" with God, arguing, asking questions. . . muscling my way to a deeper understanding of why life is the way it is, wrangling for a sense of peace, hope, blessing.

In the first chapter, Born To Strive, Barnes opens the book with:

"Everybody has a dream. Perhaps you don't even know exactly what the dream is, but still it runs your life. Your dream is what gets you up in the morning. It is what you pursue every day of your life. The dream is what drove you to leave your parents' home, get an education, and find a job. It's the reason you moved from one city to another. It led you into relationships, and it led you out of them. Every important decision you have made in life has been determined by how close it gets you to the dream. The problem is that the dream keeps moving. It's a hard thing to catch.

"Sometimes we find that other people are living our dreams. Everywhere they turn, our dreams come true for them! That's how Jacob viewed Esau. Esau stumbled into every blessing the world had to offer and took it all for granted.

"For the rest of us, life is a chore. We have to strive to realize our dreams. That is why we can easily relate to Jacob. His story describes how life really is for those of us who are determined to make something of our lives. Believing that nothing is naturally coming our way, we determine to go out and make our dreams come true.

"I know now that is the best way in the world to mess up your life.

"The only good dreams come from God. And God insists on simply giving them to us. The most important dreams are blessings such as being loved, having a child, discovering your purpose in life, or finding a friend who will stick with you through anything, even the truth. Yet, if we insist on hunting down these sacred gfits, we prevent ourselves from enjoying them. In fact, that is what happens every time we try to earn what we can only receive as a blessing. . . ."

I confess that I'm a "hunter" of sacred gifts. I've known this for years--and I'm slowly learning it's a role that works against me--but, I still have a hard time with messages that say, "wait, "be still," "trust." Because when circumstances don't line up with my own expectations, I'd rather use my own ambition, skills, persistence to make things happen. And it all goes back to that deep-seated feeling that I'm the only one looking out for me. That if I don't hunt down the blessing, I'll never experience it. It will never come.

Jacob was the same way. God gave his mother a promise while he and his twin brother were in the womb, that even though Jacob would be born a second son, he would be given the oldest son's birthright. But, Jacob lived his whole life feeling that the blessing was something for which he had to work, scheme, plan--and eventually he felt so dejected, he duked it out with a heavenly-wrestler with wings!

So much of my spiritual journey has been learning Grace. Discovering how NOT to fight--to rest, trust, live in the moment, accept, surrender. Even with our recent financial struggles, I've had to resist the instinct to run, push, persist, and instead--simply wait, slow down. God often has to remind me to "breathe" and "believe." Because, everything in me wants to just fix problems. Fast. I feel disoriented, lost, confused. . . and maybe the best thing to do when this happens is to simply stop, and to stay right where I am.

It's the same thing I tell my kids when in an unsafe public place. "If you get lost, don't run around looking for me. Just stay right where you are, and I'll come find you." (Because heaven forbid they go wandering off to some part of the mall, or market, or park, or fair where I won't know to look for them.) And I'm pretty sure God is the same way. He comes to us. He looks for us. We don't have to figure out the "right" direction, or the "right" road. Because how would we recognize it anyway? We are so like sheep who have gone astray.

Later in the chapter Born to Strive, Barnes says, "One of the Hebrew words for blessing is ashar. It means 'to be made happy on the right path.' When Jesus used the word 'blessed' in the Beatitudes he claimed that the right path was the opposite one from the one we would expect. 'Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. . . .Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.' He would also have said, 'Blessed are the receivers, for they know they are cherished.' The right path isn't the road we climb up, it is the road that God climbs down to bless us.

All of this is just another timely reminder that I'm right where God wants me. Life might seem pretty messy and mixed up, but, I'm on the right road. God is climbing down it to bless me. In fact, I've already been blessed. Like Jacob, the birthright has been mine all along.

Over the years, Rich and I have been talked a lot about a business we can start that will simultaneously help people in need. I received this amazing story and video from Charity Focus today. Please check it out. . .

When your fear touches someone's pain, it becomes pity. When your love touches someone's pain, it becomes compassion. --Stephen Levine

Argentina Shoe Drop
Blake Mycoskie wanted to get away from it all. After founding and running four businesses and losing by a sliver on The Amazing Race, he escaped last January to Argentina, where he learned to sail, dance the tango and play competitive polo. He also visited impoverished villages where few, if any, children had shoes. "I was sitting on a field on a farm one day, and I had an epiphany," says Mycoskie, who had taken to wearing alpargatas--resilient, lightweight slip-on shoes with a breathable canvas top and soft leather insole traditionally worn by Argentine workers. "I said, I'm going to start a shoe company, and for every pair I sell, I'm going to give one pair to a kid in need." After he sold his first 10,000 pairs, he went to Argentina to give away 10,000 pairs. See what happened.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJ8c5QWsCRQ

It's amazing how simple connections with people can lift my spirits. This morning, I blogged about my grief and desperation. Within an hour or so of writing, Stacy and Mark--dear friends of ours from Chicago--called. We haven't talked to them (other than through Christmas cards) for about a year. They were calling to let us know that Mark started a new job this week, and that he's in the Mpls area for a portion of his training. He wants to get together! This is one of Rich's best fishing buddies, and also Sean (our youngest son's) godfather.

I took down Mark's cell number for Rich, and chatted with Stacy at length. It's uncanny how much their lives in this past year have paralleled ours. Mark was laid off in July of 2006 and just started a job this last week. They're trying to recover from an entire 12 months of unemployment. Stacy confided some of the particulars of their situation and it was almost the mirror-image of our own financial journey.

It was such a gift to talk to her. The gift is not in knowing that they, too, are financially desperate. It was simply a blessing to finally feel understood by someone who has walked the same road. Not much had to be said. One of us would start a sentence, and the other would immediately "get it," totally aware of how awful things can get. With Mark's switch to a new job (which ironically is working as a professional driver --also the same as Rich) they are hoping to start digging themselves out of a deep financial hole. Stacy said, "It's our goal to be simply breathing before the new year." Man can I relate!

The phone call boosted my spirits. I still shed more tears throughout the day, but I had definitely experienced a "God-sighting" so to speak.

Then, just before 1:30 pm, I started dragging energy-wise--and Sean (who had napped early because of a cold virus) was raring to go. I laid him down in vain, praying that somehow he'd take a second nap. I knew I was probably delusional, but I needed divine intervention. I sat down in my blue overstuffed chair and prayed, "Lord, how am I going to make it through the next two hours?" Instantaneously, (no kidding), the phone rang. It was my friend Rayna, who I haven't talked to in weeks! We usually talk more frequently, but she's a school teacher and with the start of a new season, she's been super busy. Today was her day off, so she called to go for a walk. MERCY FROM GOD! She picked Sean and I up, and we went to the Minnesota Arboretum where we walked and talked in the healing beauty of nature until it was time to pick up our school-age kids.

The day is now coming to a close, and within this 12-hour period it's amazing that I have written two posts that seem antithetical:

Desperation

and

God Sightings.

I think the connection between the two is called GRACE.

I feel overwhelmed with the endless roadblocks in our life. I want to know how to navigate through feelings of hopelessness, grief, abandonment, fear.

I know faith isn't the same thing as denial, but why is it that they look strangely alike? Am I supposed to look the other way when circumstances, odds, systems, etc, seem against us? How can I believe God will work this all out? It's getting harder and harder to trust the tiniest little signs of hope. They seem microscopic. Am I just imagining that the butterfly floating in front of me (at the very moment that I am hoping for a debt-forgiven life) is a sign that things will get better? How long will I need to cling to the seemingly more significant "signs" and "stories" of other people's lives? Because, it's only in other people's lives that I can see God moving.

I feel like the earth has opened up and is sucking my family into a gaping crevice and there's nothing anyone can do. All the amazing programs in the world can't help, friends and family can only help to a point, and people who don't know us certainly aren't inspired to bring relief. I lift my eyes to the "mountains" from where my help is supposed to come and it's not there.

It's inspiring to see a whole community rallying round my friend whose husband has cancer. It's amazing. They have people giving them money for medicine. Others are bringing meals, taking care of their kids, praying for them on a regular basis. And I certainly don't want to compare my struggles to a life with cancer, but it's similar in the sense that my family's needs are more than we can carry solo. We need help. I'm not afraid to say it. We can't do this alone.

But, I feel so alone. And I'm uncomfortable marketing my needs. I don't think God wants me to "advertise." I'm trying to be real with my friends and people with whom I feel safe. I've never been a big secret keeper.

Where can I turn, Lord? I feel lost, unworthy, desperate.

Friends, we learned tonight that it will cost us approximately $1500 to file for bankruptcy. That's money that's needed upfront. The irony is this: We wouldn't be filing for bankruptcy if we could snap our fingers and come up with a huge lump of money like that. We barely make it every month. How can we even save for such a fee?

It's very disheartening.

Even if we could come up with the money, we would have to wait 90 days before filing, because recent large purchases can suggest "fraud" to creditors and they'll come after you. Unfortunately, we buckled just the other day and withdrew money from our line of credit to pay our medical bills. We kept waiting for an answer, or some way to pay, and nothing presented itself. I don't know. . . I guess we shouldn't have paid them. But, we didn't know then what we know now. The whole bankruptcy idea was still in its infant stages.

Please pray for us. . . that God will make a way where there seems to be no way.

I feel so stupid. And so dis-couraged.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick." Proverbs 13:12

Twice this week, I've stumbled across material that encouraged me to give without looking for the "warm fuzzies."

First, I received a Charity Focus article. It stated that outcome-driven charity (like reversing world hunger, or landing a homeless person a job/home, etc), while worthy, is not the reason we should give. Spiritual motives for giving should be unattached to "fixes." Then, I read an article in my Wheaton Alumni magazine about the same thing:

"I wonder what would happen," reflects author Mark Alan Powell, "if we collected the offering on Sunday morning, set the plates on the altar, and then tossed in a match, burning up everyone's money." He wrote a book, called Giving to God: The Bible's Good News about Living a Generous Life (Eerdmans, 2006), and emphasizes that Old Testament sacrifices were not used for practical purposes, like sustaining the priests, or helping the poor. The giving to God was itself the point. (Like the woman who poored her costly perfume all over Jesus' feet. How cool was that?)

It made me think of all the times I give because I think I'm making a difference, or because it makes ME feel good; I see direct results, or I have the privilege of seeing a thankful smile, or receiving a thank you note, or hearing encouraging updates on how my money is being used. We're so bombarded with opportunities to be generous, to donate our time and money, and of course I pick the causes that are most rewarding to ME.

Now, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with this, but it's probably the reason that needs, these days, have to be "marketed." Agencies, groups, organizations draw donations by dressing up their needs to make them look "appealing." They have to make opportunities to give fun, innovative, or rewarding to the public in some way. Like, "Buy a Haitian family a goat, and give it to your sister for Christmas." Or, "Bring in some canned goods and get $10.00 off at Valleyfair." It's sad to me, because imagine all the individuals and groups that aren't in a position to "sell" themselves as a worthy cause. What about them?

And what about the people that we can't seem to "fix?" We don't see the results that we'd hoped for, or the choices we'd want them to make, and so we. . . what?. . . abandon them? Move on to a different cause? I've been guilty of this, too.

But, recently, I've been challenged to look at things differently. To listen to those little nudges from God rather than let society define what "worthy" giving looks like. I'm going to trust that everything I do and say makes a difference, whether I can see it or not. And I might even be more willing to give my time and resources to something that looks (from a wordly point of view) like a dead end, or a "losing" cause.

The alumni article I read (written by John Stackhouse) closes with this thought, and I will too:

"What will any of us say or do today that will make a difference, that will mark an individual or community in an important way? We can't know. And we don't need to know. What we get to do instead is to render our whole selves up to God as grateful slaves, as living sacrifices. Whatever happens next is God's gift."

It's funny, but financial bankruptcy doesn't freak me out. I blogged the other day on the fact that Rich and I are considering bankruptcy as an option, and the idea--to me and Rich, both--feels hopeful. Partly because we've done some research that's been very helpful, but also because the reality is that we have been "bankrupt" for the past six years. We've never really had much of anything financially. To us, it's nothing new. We're just at a point where we might "declare" it, legally. And declaring it, or agreeing with reality, is actually very freeing.

What joy there is in knowing we can be forgiven a debt we cannot pay!

Of course there are consequences. Like having to rebuild our credit. Start over. But simply beginning again opens up a whole new landscape of possibilities. It's hard to see "starting over" as a negative consequence when the alternative is dealing with the ramification of lying to ourselves in an insistent, prideful, we-can-do-this-by-ourselves way that leaves us in binding, life-suffocating quicksand. In the long run, it seems that stubborn self-deception will only hurt our children, too.

Thinking about all of this, and how the term bankruptcy seems so "loaded" for so many. . . I can't help but flip it around and see the spiritual parallels. In the same way that we might dread financial "emptiness", are we as worried, fearful, cautious, steeled-against spiritual bankruptcy? Haven't we all experienced bankruptcy in one way or another (in health, in heart, in spirit) until our eyes open (or re-open) to the truth that's been there all along: we are heirs of Jesus Christ!? We are forgiven all our burdensome debts-- life-robbing, habits, attitudes, grudges, patterns, etc. . .

Why not agree with God about our state of poverty apart from him, and relish in this inheritance that cannot be bought?

Agreeing with reality, or alligning ourselves with truth, allows us to live within new options we couldn't see before--new ways of growing, loving, healing, reaching out. We can start over. Every day. Be "born again." We can experience what it means to be a "new creation" over and over and over--each moment, day, week, month, year. . . .

Curious about God's perspective on bankruptcy? Here's a passage I've read and re-read a lot over the past few years. Read it and let the words uplift your soul!

Isaiah 55: 1-3; 8-13

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live. I will make an everlasting covenant with you, my faithful love promised to David. . . .

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth; it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the Lord's renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed."

God's purposeful, intentional harvest in our lives will not return to him empty. In other words, to Him there's no such thing as bankruptcy. Yes, my friends, our Creator is uprooting thornbushes and planting pine trees. He is changing the landscape of our lives, even when from our limited perspective the soil may seem barren, unfruitful, unyielding!

Hang on to your seats, friends. I'm going to be painstakingly honest. I started this blog as a way to process my "stuff," because writing helps me think. And now that I've been blogging for a little over a month, I've realized how long I must have been holding things in regarding my personal/emotional/financial struggles. Speaking out, unraveling my tangled thoughts and questions online, has been strangely healing. And the loving response of others has helped immensely.

Before blogging, the cultural (familial?) taboo of speaking about the particulars of money is one of the things that kept me silent. Also, a personal sense of failure and shame. And both of those reasons are now rearing their ugly head, tempting me to hide the truth and to skip over the real dealings of mine and Rich's lives. I guess I'm fearful of judgment, or-- even worse-- silence from people whom I imagine are pretending our situation is "not that bad."

But, when bankruptcy beings to look like a hopeful welcomed mercy, you know things are BAD. So here's the story:

Tonight, Rich and I got into an argument over money. I think our lives have been off the stress charts for years now, but strangely enough, we rarely fight about money. We've always been on the same page regarding financial plans and we share the same desire and commitment to achieving a debt free life. But tonight, as we sat down to discuss how we were going to deal with our medical bills (accrued during this last season without insurance) something in the two of us snapped. Perhaps it was because we both crashed into a mutual understanding at the same time --that the only answers available to us would mean, once again, increasing our debt, or asking for help. And both of those options suck.

We will not add to our debt.

And so after crying my head off, buying a pint of Ben & Jerry's, and deciding that I would blog, Rich and I sat down again to talk about where we might find help.

We've already researched debt management programs. We talked to two different agencies, both whom reviewed the pertinent details of our financial life. The programs were similar. They suggested they could help us pay down our debt in about 5 years, but the consolidated payment we'd have to give them every month would be GREATER than what we now pay to our creditors. The reason has to do with the particular creditors with whom we are working. The debt mgmt counselors said that neither of them are very accomodating, and they wouldn't be able to negotiate much more of a reduction in our already low interest rates.

Plus, with any debt mgmt program our credit would take a hit for seven years. Considering that we currently have excellent credit--not a single late payment on anything--that hurts!

We've been "sitting" on the debt mgmt option, prayerfully, but neither of us are too excited about it. The only thing that was encouraging about the process was when the debt counselor said that we are doing an EXCELLENT job with our current budget. She couldn't make any recommendations as to where we should be cutting costs. Since nobody else knows the particulars of our situation, it felt good to have someone with experience in this arena affirm our faithfulness to doing what is right--making things work.

Even though our budget is on target, the reality is we still struggle to make ends meet. Going with a debt mgmt plan that increases our monthly expenses doesn't seem like a good answer, especially when we can't put anything into savings or into a 401k. Where will we be in a week/month/year or two when some crisis happens for which we are unprepared? This has been the story of our lives. In other words, our financial "squeeze" will still not be alleviated, and could potentially worsen given anything unexpected.

We could consolidate, again. We've been doing this repeatedly over the last several years, to transfer our debt from the first season of unemployment to more manageable interest rates. It helped. A lot. Until Rich was hit with another season of unemployment. Last week, we actually applied for a loan that would pay off our total debt in 8 years. We'll find out if we've been approved in another few days. No hit to the credit. But, also no solutions regarding making ends meet. We still won't be able to tuck anything into savings or a retirement fund. But, it's a temporary step in the right direction. It doesn't address our medical bills.

Which brings us to the reason Rich and I were arguing in the first place. How do we deal with these medical bills? We're running out of time. One of them is at 60 days past due.

We talked about contacting CAP (a local social service agency) to see if they would pay our rent for one month, which would free up money to pay the medical bills. Definitely an option. I'll call tomorrow.

I could go back to work full time. I've been out of the social work field for six years. It's likely I'd have to start at the bottom of the totem pole somewhere in order to work my way back up to a leadership position. I applied to a bunch of mgmt positions this winter, and didn't get a single bite. Considering what I make at the dinner theater, starting at the bottom wouldn't be an increase in income. And then I'd have to put Sean in day care full time, and pay for after-school-care costs for both Jen and Ryker. I have a degree in teaching, but I can't teach in Minnesota without going back to school. Again, not feasible for our budget right now. And adding more loans doesn't feel right.

As we hashed out our options, I kept thinking how I wished there was a SEVERE MERCY available to us. And then, suddenly the idea of bankruptcy came to mind. A ten year hit to the credit record, but without such an undeserved grace we would never be in a position to buy a house within that time frame anyway. . . because we'd be too busy paying down debt.

We've started researching bankruptcy attorneys. And Rich called his dad who filed for commercial bankruptcy at one point in his life. Please pray for us. . .that we might have wisdom from above and a clear sense of what we should do.

To have our slate wiped clean? At this point, I can only dream. . . .

Another highlight I forgot to mention (It might help to read post Camping Highlights first): Rich and I enjoyed putting the kids to bed in their tent, and sitting by the fire at night. It was quiet! The only sounds were crickets, pond frogs, and the crackling of burning logs. So peaceful. As we sat there, I asked Rich what he was thinking about. He said, "Right now, in this moment, watching this fire, I'm not worrying about money."

I didn't tell him what I was thinking. For me, the same fire presented a temptation to worry. Financial fears were flicking on and off in my head like the tiny fireflies in the brush around our campsite.

Why worry at a time like this?

For me, all it takes is one thing. . . Just before nightfall, Rich bought three extra bundles of firewood. We'd underestimated how quickly the logs would burn, and we were doing all of our cooking over an open flame! It was $16.00 for which we hadn't planned. Sixteen dollars might not seem like a big deal, but for the fact that I was also called off work on Friday.

The unexpected change to my schedule enabled us to leave a day early, but a dollar short. Well, A LOT of dollars short. I'd already taken two days off in order to to make the trip, and now the third night off would mean a huge ding to our plan. I had worked extra shifts to make up for the expense of our mini-vacation. But even so, we really needed my Friday night tips to get through the kids' first week of school.

It's just part of the whole gamble when working with a budget as limited as ours; life rarely abides by plans.

The fire was flickering. Rich was peaceful. And here I was wasting the moment, worrying. A poem Sally wrote for Play With Me came to mind. The fireflies in the brush made me think of it:


Dirge or Dance

Plodding, heavy soled through
Grocery line, deadline, death row?
Heartaches like fireflies in a pickle jar
Shoulders loaded with need and worry weights
Straightjacket of mind and flesh

Removed by song of
Blanket clemency
I've got a robe, you've got a robe
All God's children have a robe

The kingdom of heaven donned in
Games of endless hopscotch
Hugs for the moon
Licks of everlasting lollipops
Searches for pots of gold at rainbow's end
Knee-deep crunches in snow and leaves
Wishes on twinkling morning star
A dance with God

We just got back from a wonderful (cheap!) weekend camping at Lake Auburn! I love the way I breathe when I'm hugging nature for an extended period of time. . . deep, healing, restorative breaths.

I made a fun little video. But, before you watch, here are some of the highlights:

* We got the best campsite: private, wooded, near the bathrooms and playground -- but not too close!
* Cool weather at night and in the morning. I love camping in sweatshirts and long sleeves!
* Shelling peanuts and eating them for a snack.
* The kids from other campsites joined together to sing Jennifer "Happy Birthday". (She turned 9 on Saturday). Ryker gave her a pop tart with a twig stuck through it for a candle.
*We went on a hike and saw a huge hawk (falcon? osprey?) It captured a mouse and ate it within 15 feet of where we were standing!
*The kabobs and ears of corn that Rich grilled over the fire were the best I've had all summer!