Cocooning

Has this need been brought on by midlife? Or the major transition to a debt-free life? Hunger for happiness? A need for personal change? A sense that my life (for the first time in 7 years) is actually ripe for change? Whatever it is, I've been stumbling along with only tiny glimpses of clarity, little aha moments to which I fiercely cling, all the while asking God to give me someone who can show the way.

In January, an 'aha' moment came like a pin prick of light. I was standing in my kitchen when an idea came for writing a one-woman holiday play. Tossing the idea around in my mind left every cell in my body dancing, twirling, spinning, "buzzing."

I paid attention.

"My body is trying to tell me something," I thought. "What is the source of this buzz? Why don't I listen to this cell-dance more often--nurture, honor, indulge, and encourage it?" The 'aha' wasn't as much a new script-idea as the realization that there are things that get me excited on a cellular level.

Buzzing. An important piece of the puzzle. But, I kept wondering, "Is this what turning 40 is going to be about? Simply following a buzz?" I'm still hungry for more. There has to be more. . .

Then, last week, the library e-mailed notice that a book I've wanted to read is finally available. I waited THREE MONTHS (on a long list of what I have imagined are pacing, spiritually hungry, Oprah watching housewives) for a turn to read the popular "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert.

Timing is everything. The book is EXACTLY what I needed at just the right moment.

The author's name is "Liz" and the book opens with a devestating divorce which places her in a painful, personal pile of war-torn rubble. The war is emotional/spiritual brought on by her own afflicted soul more than any one person (ex-husband or otherwise), and the book is about her healing journey. It starts with a surprising conversation with God, and a sense that she should (or better yet: "can," "must") find and follow pleasure, seek devotion to God, and find balance between the two.

The journey takes her to Italy, India and Indonesia.

In Italy, she studies and learns to speak Italian. The flowery language--the romantic turn of the words--is her "buzz:"

"For years I'd wished I could speak Italian--a language I find more beautiful than roses--but I could never make the practical justification for studying it. Why not just bone up on the French or Russian I'd already studied years ago? Or learrn to speak Spanish, the better to help me communicate with millions of my fellow Americans? What was I going to do with Italian? It's not like I was going to move there. It would be more practical to learn how to play the accordion.

"But why must everything always have a practical application? I'd been such a diligent soldier for years--working, producing, never missing a deadline, taking care of my loved ones, my gums and my credit record, voting, etc. Is this lifetime supposed to be only about duty? In this dark period of loss, did I need any justification for learning Italian other than it was the only thing I could imagine bringing me any pleasure right now?"

She actually moves to Italy, and learns the art and spiritual necessity of "pleasure" a concept she feels Americans don't truly live or understand.

Several months later, living in an ashram in India, Liz (still following her desires) seeks God through the discipline of devotion--prayer, meditation, solitude, selfless service, etc. She comes face to face with inner-demons, and God himself, who insists "I LOVE you, I will never leave you, I will always take care of you."

Liz's entire journey through three countries is sparked by an Indonesian medicine man who is willing to answer one question or problem. She meets him and asks: "I want to have a lasting experience of God. Sometimes I feel like I understand the divinity of this world, but then I lose it because I get distracted by my petty desires and fears. I want to be with God all the time. But I don't want to be a monk, or totally give up worldly pleasures. I guess what I want to learn is how to live in this world and enjoy its delights but also devote myself to God."

He answers her with a picture of an "adrogynous human figure, standing up, hands clasped in prayer. But the figure has four legs and no head. Where the head should have been, there was only a wild foliage of ferns and flowers. There was a small, smiling face drawn over the heart." (I wish I could draw it here for you, because the image is so powerful.)

The artist/medicine man explains, "To find the balance you want. . . this is what you must become. You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth that it's like you have four legs, instead of two. That way, you can stay in the world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead. That way, you will know God."

Her journey was so inspiring that I literally re-read entire sections of the book, taking notes. I have pages and pages of wisdom that I want to remember, revisit, retain--and most importantly learn to live! I have talked Rich's ear off, sharing with him all that this means to me, and I ask everyone at work: "Have you read Eat, Pray, Love? Isn't it amazing?"

In some strange and surprising way, Elizabeth Gilbert is my mentor and "medicine wo-man." Her memoir is a personal picture, a map, and a specific answer to a question that has been burning in my life for far too long:

How do I move beyond experiences of personal poverty (spiritual, emotional, financial) to find happiness?

I'm literally buzzing with possibilities!