Cocooning

I feel overwhelmed with the endless roadblocks in our life. I want to know how to navigate through feelings of hopelessness, grief, abandonment, fear.

I know faith isn't the same thing as denial, but why is it that they look strangely alike? Am I supposed to look the other way when circumstances, odds, systems, etc, seem against us? How can I believe God will work this all out? It's getting harder and harder to trust the tiniest little signs of hope. They seem microscopic. Am I just imagining that the butterfly floating in front of me (at the very moment that I am hoping for a debt-forgiven life) is a sign that things will get better? How long will I need to cling to the seemingly more significant "signs" and "stories" of other people's lives? Because, it's only in other people's lives that I can see God moving.

I feel like the earth has opened up and is sucking my family into a gaping crevice and there's nothing anyone can do. All the amazing programs in the world can't help, friends and family can only help to a point, and people who don't know us certainly aren't inspired to bring relief. I lift my eyes to the "mountains" from where my help is supposed to come and it's not there.

It's inspiring to see a whole community rallying round my friend whose husband has cancer. It's amazing. They have people giving them money for medicine. Others are bringing meals, taking care of their kids, praying for them on a regular basis. And I certainly don't want to compare my struggles to a life with cancer, but it's similar in the sense that my family's needs are more than we can carry solo. We need help. I'm not afraid to say it. We can't do this alone.

But, I feel so alone. And I'm uncomfortable marketing my needs. I don't think God wants me to "advertise." I'm trying to be real with my friends and people with whom I feel safe. I've never been a big secret keeper.

Where can I turn, Lord? I feel lost, unworthy, desperate.

Friends, we learned tonight that it will cost us approximately $1500 to file for bankruptcy. That's money that's needed upfront. The irony is this: We wouldn't be filing for bankruptcy if we could snap our fingers and come up with a huge lump of money like that. We barely make it every month. How can we even save for such a fee?

It's very disheartening.

Even if we could come up with the money, we would have to wait 90 days before filing, because recent large purchases can suggest "fraud" to creditors and they'll come after you. Unfortunately, we buckled just the other day and withdrew money from our line of credit to pay our medical bills. We kept waiting for an answer, or some way to pay, and nothing presented itself. I don't know. . . I guess we shouldn't have paid them. But, we didn't know then what we know now. The whole bankruptcy idea was still in its infant stages.

Please pray for us. . . that God will make a way where there seems to be no way.

I feel so stupid. And so dis-couraged.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick." Proverbs 13:12

Twice this week, I've stumbled across material that encouraged me to give without looking for the "warm fuzzies."

First, I received a Charity Focus article. It stated that outcome-driven charity (like reversing world hunger, or landing a homeless person a job/home, etc), while worthy, is not the reason we should give. Spiritual motives for giving should be unattached to "fixes." Then, I read an article in my Wheaton Alumni magazine about the same thing:

"I wonder what would happen," reflects author Mark Alan Powell, "if we collected the offering on Sunday morning, set the plates on the altar, and then tossed in a match, burning up everyone's money." He wrote a book, called Giving to God: The Bible's Good News about Living a Generous Life (Eerdmans, 2006), and emphasizes that Old Testament sacrifices were not used for practical purposes, like sustaining the priests, or helping the poor. The giving to God was itself the point. (Like the woman who poored her costly perfume all over Jesus' feet. How cool was that?)

It made me think of all the times I give because I think I'm making a difference, or because it makes ME feel good; I see direct results, or I have the privilege of seeing a thankful smile, or receiving a thank you note, or hearing encouraging updates on how my money is being used. We're so bombarded with opportunities to be generous, to donate our time and money, and of course I pick the causes that are most rewarding to ME.

Now, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with this, but it's probably the reason that needs, these days, have to be "marketed." Agencies, groups, organizations draw donations by dressing up their needs to make them look "appealing." They have to make opportunities to give fun, innovative, or rewarding to the public in some way. Like, "Buy a Haitian family a goat, and give it to your sister for Christmas." Or, "Bring in some canned goods and get $10.00 off at Valleyfair." It's sad to me, because imagine all the individuals and groups that aren't in a position to "sell" themselves as a worthy cause. What about them?

And what about the people that we can't seem to "fix?" We don't see the results that we'd hoped for, or the choices we'd want them to make, and so we. . . what?. . . abandon them? Move on to a different cause? I've been guilty of this, too.

But, recently, I've been challenged to look at things differently. To listen to those little nudges from God rather than let society define what "worthy" giving looks like. I'm going to trust that everything I do and say makes a difference, whether I can see it or not. And I might even be more willing to give my time and resources to something that looks (from a wordly point of view) like a dead end, or a "losing" cause.

The alumni article I read (written by John Stackhouse) closes with this thought, and I will too:

"What will any of us say or do today that will make a difference, that will mark an individual or community in an important way? We can't know. And we don't need to know. What we get to do instead is to render our whole selves up to God as grateful slaves, as living sacrifices. Whatever happens next is God's gift."

It's funny, but financial bankruptcy doesn't freak me out. I blogged the other day on the fact that Rich and I are considering bankruptcy as an option, and the idea--to me and Rich, both--feels hopeful. Partly because we've done some research that's been very helpful, but also because the reality is that we have been "bankrupt" for the past six years. We've never really had much of anything financially. To us, it's nothing new. We're just at a point where we might "declare" it, legally. And declaring it, or agreeing with reality, is actually very freeing.

What joy there is in knowing we can be forgiven a debt we cannot pay!

Of course there are consequences. Like having to rebuild our credit. Start over. But simply beginning again opens up a whole new landscape of possibilities. It's hard to see "starting over" as a negative consequence when the alternative is dealing with the ramification of lying to ourselves in an insistent, prideful, we-can-do-this-by-ourselves way that leaves us in binding, life-suffocating quicksand. In the long run, it seems that stubborn self-deception will only hurt our children, too.

Thinking about all of this, and how the term bankruptcy seems so "loaded" for so many. . . I can't help but flip it around and see the spiritual parallels. In the same way that we might dread financial "emptiness", are we as worried, fearful, cautious, steeled-against spiritual bankruptcy? Haven't we all experienced bankruptcy in one way or another (in health, in heart, in spirit) until our eyes open (or re-open) to the truth that's been there all along: we are heirs of Jesus Christ!? We are forgiven all our burdensome debts-- life-robbing, habits, attitudes, grudges, patterns, etc. . .

Why not agree with God about our state of poverty apart from him, and relish in this inheritance that cannot be bought?

Agreeing with reality, or alligning ourselves with truth, allows us to live within new options we couldn't see before--new ways of growing, loving, healing, reaching out. We can start over. Every day. Be "born again." We can experience what it means to be a "new creation" over and over and over--each moment, day, week, month, year. . . .

Curious about God's perspective on bankruptcy? Here's a passage I've read and re-read a lot over the past few years. Read it and let the words uplift your soul!

Isaiah 55: 1-3; 8-13

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live. I will make an everlasting covenant with you, my faithful love promised to David. . . .

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth; it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the Lord's renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed."

God's purposeful, intentional harvest in our lives will not return to him empty. In other words, to Him there's no such thing as bankruptcy. Yes, my friends, our Creator is uprooting thornbushes and planting pine trees. He is changing the landscape of our lives, even when from our limited perspective the soil may seem barren, unfruitful, unyielding!

Hang on to your seats, friends. I'm going to be painstakingly honest. I started this blog as a way to process my "stuff," because writing helps me think. And now that I've been blogging for a little over a month, I've realized how long I must have been holding things in regarding my personal/emotional/financial struggles. Speaking out, unraveling my tangled thoughts and questions online, has been strangely healing. And the loving response of others has helped immensely.

Before blogging, the cultural (familial?) taboo of speaking about the particulars of money is one of the things that kept me silent. Also, a personal sense of failure and shame. And both of those reasons are now rearing their ugly head, tempting me to hide the truth and to skip over the real dealings of mine and Rich's lives. I guess I'm fearful of judgment, or-- even worse-- silence from people whom I imagine are pretending our situation is "not that bad."

But, when bankruptcy beings to look like a hopeful welcomed mercy, you know things are BAD. So here's the story:

Tonight, Rich and I got into an argument over money. I think our lives have been off the stress charts for years now, but strangely enough, we rarely fight about money. We've always been on the same page regarding financial plans and we share the same desire and commitment to achieving a debt free life. But tonight, as we sat down to discuss how we were going to deal with our medical bills (accrued during this last season without insurance) something in the two of us snapped. Perhaps it was because we both crashed into a mutual understanding at the same time --that the only answers available to us would mean, once again, increasing our debt, or asking for help. And both of those options suck.

We will not add to our debt.

And so after crying my head off, buying a pint of Ben & Jerry's, and deciding that I would blog, Rich and I sat down again to talk about where we might find help.

We've already researched debt management programs. We talked to two different agencies, both whom reviewed the pertinent details of our financial life. The programs were similar. They suggested they could help us pay down our debt in about 5 years, but the consolidated payment we'd have to give them every month would be GREATER than what we now pay to our creditors. The reason has to do with the particular creditors with whom we are working. The debt mgmt counselors said that neither of them are very accomodating, and they wouldn't be able to negotiate much more of a reduction in our already low interest rates.

Plus, with any debt mgmt program our credit would take a hit for seven years. Considering that we currently have excellent credit--not a single late payment on anything--that hurts!

We've been "sitting" on the debt mgmt option, prayerfully, but neither of us are too excited about it. The only thing that was encouraging about the process was when the debt counselor said that we are doing an EXCELLENT job with our current budget. She couldn't make any recommendations as to where we should be cutting costs. Since nobody else knows the particulars of our situation, it felt good to have someone with experience in this arena affirm our faithfulness to doing what is right--making things work.

Even though our budget is on target, the reality is we still struggle to make ends meet. Going with a debt mgmt plan that increases our monthly expenses doesn't seem like a good answer, especially when we can't put anything into savings or into a 401k. Where will we be in a week/month/year or two when some crisis happens for which we are unprepared? This has been the story of our lives. In other words, our financial "squeeze" will still not be alleviated, and could potentially worsen given anything unexpected.

We could consolidate, again. We've been doing this repeatedly over the last several years, to transfer our debt from the first season of unemployment to more manageable interest rates. It helped. A lot. Until Rich was hit with another season of unemployment. Last week, we actually applied for a loan that would pay off our total debt in 8 years. We'll find out if we've been approved in another few days. No hit to the credit. But, also no solutions regarding making ends meet. We still won't be able to tuck anything into savings or a retirement fund. But, it's a temporary step in the right direction. It doesn't address our medical bills.

Which brings us to the reason Rich and I were arguing in the first place. How do we deal with these medical bills? We're running out of time. One of them is at 60 days past due.

We talked about contacting CAP (a local social service agency) to see if they would pay our rent for one month, which would free up money to pay the medical bills. Definitely an option. I'll call tomorrow.

I could go back to work full time. I've been out of the social work field for six years. It's likely I'd have to start at the bottom of the totem pole somewhere in order to work my way back up to a leadership position. I applied to a bunch of mgmt positions this winter, and didn't get a single bite. Considering what I make at the dinner theater, starting at the bottom wouldn't be an increase in income. And then I'd have to put Sean in day care full time, and pay for after-school-care costs for both Jen and Ryker. I have a degree in teaching, but I can't teach in Minnesota without going back to school. Again, not feasible for our budget right now. And adding more loans doesn't feel right.

As we hashed out our options, I kept thinking how I wished there was a SEVERE MERCY available to us. And then, suddenly the idea of bankruptcy came to mind. A ten year hit to the credit record, but without such an undeserved grace we would never be in a position to buy a house within that time frame anyway. . . because we'd be too busy paying down debt.

We've started researching bankruptcy attorneys. And Rich called his dad who filed for commercial bankruptcy at one point in his life. Please pray for us. . .that we might have wisdom from above and a clear sense of what we should do.

To have our slate wiped clean? At this point, I can only dream. . . .

Another highlight I forgot to mention (It might help to read post Camping Highlights first): Rich and I enjoyed putting the kids to bed in their tent, and sitting by the fire at night. It was quiet! The only sounds were crickets, pond frogs, and the crackling of burning logs. So peaceful. As we sat there, I asked Rich what he was thinking about. He said, "Right now, in this moment, watching this fire, I'm not worrying about money."

I didn't tell him what I was thinking. For me, the same fire presented a temptation to worry. Financial fears were flicking on and off in my head like the tiny fireflies in the brush around our campsite.

Why worry at a time like this?

For me, all it takes is one thing. . . Just before nightfall, Rich bought three extra bundles of firewood. We'd underestimated how quickly the logs would burn, and we were doing all of our cooking over an open flame! It was $16.00 for which we hadn't planned. Sixteen dollars might not seem like a big deal, but for the fact that I was also called off work on Friday.

The unexpected change to my schedule enabled us to leave a day early, but a dollar short. Well, A LOT of dollars short. I'd already taken two days off in order to to make the trip, and now the third night off would mean a huge ding to our plan. I had worked extra shifts to make up for the expense of our mini-vacation. But even so, we really needed my Friday night tips to get through the kids' first week of school.

It's just part of the whole gamble when working with a budget as limited as ours; life rarely abides by plans.

The fire was flickering. Rich was peaceful. And here I was wasting the moment, worrying. A poem Sally wrote for Play With Me came to mind. The fireflies in the brush made me think of it:


Dirge or Dance

Plodding, heavy soled through
Grocery line, deadline, death row?
Heartaches like fireflies in a pickle jar
Shoulders loaded with need and worry weights
Straightjacket of mind and flesh

Removed by song of
Blanket clemency
I've got a robe, you've got a robe
All God's children have a robe

The kingdom of heaven donned in
Games of endless hopscotch
Hugs for the moon
Licks of everlasting lollipops
Searches for pots of gold at rainbow's end
Knee-deep crunches in snow and leaves
Wishes on twinkling morning star
A dance with God

We just got back from a wonderful (cheap!) weekend camping at Lake Auburn! I love the way I breathe when I'm hugging nature for an extended period of time. . . deep, healing, restorative breaths.

I made a fun little video. But, before you watch, here are some of the highlights:

* We got the best campsite: private, wooded, near the bathrooms and playground -- but not too close!
* Cool weather at night and in the morning. I love camping in sweatshirts and long sleeves!
* Shelling peanuts and eating them for a snack.
* The kids from other campsites joined together to sing Jennifer "Happy Birthday". (She turned 9 on Saturday). Ryker gave her a pop tart with a twig stuck through it for a candle.
*We went on a hike and saw a huge hawk (falcon? osprey?) It captured a mouse and ate it within 15 feet of where we were standing!
*The kabobs and ears of corn that Rich grilled over the fire were the best I've had all summer!