Cocooning

Community means strength that joins our strength to do the work that needs to be done. Arms to hold us when we falter. A circle of healing. A circle of friends. Someplace where we can be free. --Starhawk

I'm not sure I have much to say, but I don't want to leave the "dragon" post as my most recent for much longer. So, a quick update:

We had a rough week as a family, fighting another virus. I'm happy to say we're all on the mend. I probably have a lingering sinus infection, and so does Rich, but at least we're past the fever, aches, chills portion of this sickness. It wasn't fun. My friend Bonnie stopped over on Friday with two bags full of groceries to help my kids survive having a sick, I'm-so-not-making-dinner mom. (She brought Teddy Grahams, Goldfish, popsicles, fresh grapes, roasted chicken, Kleenex and even Gummy Worms!) Her timing couldn't have been better, and it made me think about an excerpt from the MotherKindness piece Sally wrote in Play With Me: "When mothering gets hard and lonely, I'm glad to be part of a community of mothers with all of my friends." Amen to that. Bonnie's gesture brought healing tears to my eyes.

I submitted a resume and letter of interest to my church for a part time job, working in an administrative capacity. My biggest concern about whether the job is feasible or not is child care. We'll have to see how flexible the position is with working from home, etc, and what the actual pay would be. Please keep this in your prayers! We need to increase our income, and this position feels like a good fit. I also think it could be a pathway or a gate to greater ministry opportunities down the road.

I have been on the receiving end of so many kind thoughts, gestures, and prayers as of late. Thank you to everyone for being Christ to me. . . .

If those who owe us nothing gave us nothing, how poor we would be. --Antonio Porchia

I think beginnings are fragile. Full of possibility, yes, full of promise, yes, but also very fragile. My guess is that Satan hates beginnings and tries to confound and cloud the vision of a new start.
I had a dream the other night that a huge, spitting serpent with legs was standing on my neck, pinning me face down. The serpent was dragon-like, the same one I've imagined when reading the book of Revelations:

"A great and wondrous sign apppeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head. She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth. Then another sign appeared in heaven: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on his heads. His tail swept a third of the stars out of the sky and flung them to the earth. The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth, so that he might devour her child the moment he was born. She gave birth to a son, a male child, who will rule all the nations with an iron scepter. And her child was snatched up to God and to his throne. The woman fled into the desert to a place prepared for her by God, where she might be taken care of for 1,260 days. And there was war in heaven." (Revelations 12)

Such a dramatic excerpt to be thinking about these days. . . . but I think there is real battle going on in our lives (all of our lives). And a lot of it has to do with new life, new beginnings, spiritual birth.

I write this not to focus on Satan, or to give him a foothold, but to renew trust in God's ability to prepare a place for me and my family--a place of respite from the accuser.

"The great dragon was hurled down -- that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him. Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:

"Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ. For the accuser of our brothers, who accuses them before our God day and night has been hurled down. They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. Therefore REJOICE! . . (Revelations 12). "

Lord, thank you that this new beginning for my family is protected and set apart, covered in the blood of the Lamb. Amen.

We can all be angels to one another. We can choose to obey the still small stirring within, the little whisper that says, Go. Ask. Reach out. Be an answer to someone's plea. You have a part to play. Have faith. --Joan Wester Anderson

The morning of our hearing, I woke up, still feeling edgy, nervous, out of control. The kids were home from school, sick, and I had already called the doctor to take Ryker in. My blood pressure was rising, but since Rich had taken the day off work, I was able to steal a few minutes alone in my bedroom before the day's remaining pressure-filled events truly got rolling.

Lying on my bed, with Bible in lap, I prayed "Lord, why all these last minute reoccuring problems with health? Why today? Didn't you know this would push me over the edge? Where are your provisions?"

I was anxious. I didn't even open my bible, because I doubted God's ability to truly have something specific to "say" about this new turn of events. Then, surprisingly, like a warm furnace fan on a freezing cold day, I heard God whisper. . .

"Today, my provision has a name, SUSAN."

Tears welled up as I pondered this truth. Susan is the neighbor friend who had agreed to watch my boys for the day. I let down and bawled as I allowed Susan's generous gift of time and availability to truly sink in and settle my fears. Susan (a doc by profession) was unflinchingly willing to deal with my little "sickos." She even went out of her way to drive over to our house and check up on feverish Jennifer--who stayed at home while we were at court. Truly recognizing and receiving Susan's gift opened my heart, allowing me to let go of all my unneeded angst. And lying there on my bed, PEACE fluttered in.

Now that I'm through the bankruptcy hearing--a ring of fire--I can look back and thank God for the Lord's MANY-NAMED provisions:

JULIE, SALLY, HEATHER, BETH, MARGIE, my dear college friends who prayed.

TERRI, who stopped by our home with: supportive words, a thoughtful Caribou card, and a get-well card and birthday gift for Ryker from RACHEL (Rachel is Terri's daughter, one of Ryker's good friends).

ALL my BIBLESTUDY FRIENDS who emailed, called, and interceded on my family's behalf!

My PARENTS who checked in from Florida.

And all the FRIENDS who continually hold me up in prayer in a myriad of ways!

God's divine provisions can wear many faces, each beautiful in their own way! Thank you Lord for my GO-TO Girls!

FOUR MINUTES before our scheduled hearing, and no attorney in sight. . .


FOUR MINUTES of just sitting at a long table, in a small hushed room, before the "so-serious" trustee. . .


FOUR MINUTES more, and a whole week of worrying--FINALLY OVER.


I feel light hearted. Glad it's all over.

Thanks to everyone who lifted us up in prayer! We're ready to start a new leg of our journey -- with a slate wiped CLEAN!

Tomorrow we head to court to petition for bankruptcy. I'm edgy and nervous, wanting to have all important papers in order, our ducks in a row. I want to be ready, prepared, in control. But, once again I'm reminded. . .control is mere illusion.

Ryker's sickness has flared again. He's got another fever. His fever from last week disappeared the day before his birthday--probably because so many were praying for him. And now it has reappeared along with agonizing ear pain that kept him up last night. Tonight, as I put the kids to bed, Jennifer announced that she, too, has a fever. It's starting to feel a bit unreal--how persistently sick my children have been!

We have lined up friends to watch the kids after school so we can make our 2:30 hearing. But all this newest sick-stuff makes me feel like I've got a bunch of wild rattlesnakes in my basement. Is it asking too much to leave fever-ridden kids with friends? All I can do is wait until morning, see what happens, and hope solid answers appear. But I can't help turning the possibilties over and over in my mind. Would it be horrible to drag sick kids into a courtroom? We'll probably have to take Ryker to the doctor. . . again. . . mere hours before we're due in court.

I feel so vulnerable. Dependent on God's mercy.

Lord, please show us your mercy. We don't know what to do. . .

A poem
by Steve Doughty

Eyes touched by grace look personally on me, and they look
personally on each one of us, not to see what is missing.
Nor do they look to see what, with great effort and much
improvement, we might become, They simply look,
and they love.

Looking and loving, the eyes touched by grace are not then
glazed over with sentiment. Seeing deeply, they awaken
in us a response that lets us grow stronger within, more
open to others, more mature in our love.

Eyes touched by grace are eyes that look outward on the
world's harshest pain and, in the process, teach our eyes
to do the same. And eyes touched by grace then tutor us
that we may respond to the pain even as the possessors
of those eyes, with great sensitivity, already have done
and continue to do.

Eyes touched by grace possess the wisdom to pause before
the most common scenes of loveliness, to trace the gentle
contours of a laugh, or of another's hand, or of the
fresh breeze that marks a season's change.

Eyes touched by grace belong to those who have heard the Grace Giver say, "Behold, the reign of God is in your midst!"
and then have dared to pray,
"Let us see! Let us see!"

Earlier today, my mom and I were corresponding by email, and I told her that I feel as though I wear a big scarlet B on my chest.

Exactly one week from today, Rich and I will go before a trustee and petition for bankruptcy. If you want to stir up fears of judgment, just think about the very real possibility of appearing before a judge! I've been tearful the past few days. And I find myself covering up in that old, familiar cloak of shame.

At the same time, I've been furiously knitting my new swing-jacket. The back panel is finished, and I'm hard at work on the front right. Yesterday, I was 10" into the pattern when I realized I had dropped a stitch, back at the very beginning of my work. For you non-knitters, this means I have a big ugly gaping hole in my jacket. A hole that will only continue to come undone if not fixed.

So, I had no choice but to unravel several hours of work. Easy to do. But when I tried to loop the stitches back onto my needle at the repair point, the loops were so tiny that the mess became even worse. I'd get one stitch on, and the next one would drop. So, I started over. Completely.

Fine with me. I want a jacket that lives up to its design.

Two hours into my new start, I looked back again and found another, YES another, dropped stitch! More work: Unravel again. Try threading stitches back onto my needle. No luck. Unravel some more. Try re-threading. Yes, got it. . .finally!

All the while I was thinking about persistence. My mistakes were unfortunate, but I didn't mind starting over to get it right. I just kept thinking about the end result, and how lovely the finished jacket would be.

I wish I could see my life this way.

Please pray that I will not hang my head in shame over finances.

I have probably over-exaggerated a sense that others are judging me. There are only a few who have suggested that Rich and I have chosen an "easy" way out, and that we're unwilling to work hard to remedy our problems. I wish I could defend myself, show them the numbers, the range of options we've considered, and prayed about. . . and how we've arrived at where we are today.

But I can't.

And so somehow I need to make peace with the fact that God knows, and that his judgment is perfect and loving.

Psalm 34: 4-6, 18

I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor [wo]man called, and the Lord heard her, he saved her out of all her troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. . . . The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."